There used to be a time...

when I thought of myself as one day becoming a parent. My life plan back in high school was to be in a successful profession and have kids by the time I was 28. I am now 28 and no where near that goal, and perhaps never will be as far as children go.

My BBF and I used to talk about us having kids who we'd go to PTA meetings for, shop clothes for, drive around in matching "Soccer mom" type lux SUVs, and watch their recitals. His kid would play the violin, while mine would play the piano or sing. They'd make us proud.

The way my life's been going I know that having a kid is not something I should even be contemplating. I'm now just getting my finances in shape, only now in a relationship that's gone longer than a couple of months, and barely have enough time for myself with all the social engagements I have to keep up with.

I recently listened to this song by the extraordinary Regina Carter that I want to share with you. My love of instrumentals bloomed when Cameron introduced me to Ms. Vanessa Mae. The song was from her album Paganini-After a Dream and was written back in 1887 by French composer Gabriel Fauré. What Ms. Mae did with electronica/classical fusion, Ms. Carter generally did the same but with jazz influences instead. Most Jazz fusions I will admit irritate the hell out of me with their over-exaggerated way of embellishments that's suppose to convey feelings that to me just ends up a hot mess. This song fortunately, is not one of those. It's emotions are easily achieved and felt. The classic song comes to life with a haunting charm to it, that even when the song picks up tempo, the violin sounds melancholy, almost sad. I feel as if this song suits my feelings about my life as of right now. Age 28, somewhat happy, upbeat and frustrated, with hints of disappointments over goals and dreams unattained.

Wherever this child of mine may be, in some cosmic waiting room somewhere, whether or not he or she will ever come to be, a lullaby for you called "Pavane".