Nothing can be as demoralizing...

than the feeling of utter failure. When you feel as if you've reached that lowest of lows, and getting up feels like a worthless effort. When everything has been taken away from you, not in an instant, but in intervals. As if waiting for you to catch your breath first before knocking it all out again. I had that moment.

In sequences I've lost my self respect and self love for something I had done to myself out of irresponsibility. My boyfriend at the time cheated on me, and hurt me, and left me at a time when I needed someone to care the most. And I know it's pathetic, but I even asked him back knowing I didn't even trust him. When you feel damaged, you'll cling on to anyone who'd take you. I was alienated by my long time friends who I was living with when I became financially unstable, one even physically attacked me. I was so broke that I went to sleep at night with no food in my stomach, and no breakfast in the morning. And all that time I didn't know how to ask help from my family (to include Cam, Luis, and Rob who were my family as well) because my pride wouldn't allow me to. The one time I had asked for help was when I ended up in the hospital for an abscess which would've killed me had I not gotten the surgery. The most I got from them were phone calls...I never had a visit. To tell you the truth I was deeply hurt by it because I had never felt more alone in my life than at that moment. I was so scared before the surgery, I thought to myself that I wasn't even going to see any of them if by chance I didn't make it. I sucked it up, and had to understand. They all have their own lives to deal with, and at the time all of our lives were very complicated that it was all that consumed us. My friend Van who barely knew me was with me through the whole ordeal. He took me to the hospital and even provided for me a Harry Potter book and cab fare to get home since he had to go to work. As I took that cab ride home, I realized that my life in a nutshell was shit.

As I contemplated my shitty life in bed one evening, it felt as if my room got darker and darker. The more the depression set in, the harder it was to see anything clearly, may it be thoughts or physical objects. Just then the moon came into view, and it shone down through my window. Desperate, I opened my window to let the night air in and I began to pray. I cried as I talked of how I was struggling, and how hopeless I felt. I prayed for help; for a chance to get myself up and off this cycle of pain and bad decisions. I fell asleep right there on my window sill exhausted, with all my demons quiet and the darkness at bay.

I woke up that morning with a sense of renewed faith in myself. I was given a clear head to realize that the only person who could get me out of this was me, and that if I ever were to make my life better again I had to take drastic action. I couldn't rely on anyone else because we are in charge of our life, no one else runs it for us. Two days after that faithful evening, I got a call from a good friend in Boston who I had kept in touch with for years. I told him everything that's been going on in my life, and after some coaxing I accepted his offer to help me get me back on track. If there ever was a reset button in life, this was it, at least for me. I made the ultimate sacrifice of leaving my wonderful and loving DC Family because after the hospital incident, I realized that my friends could only help me so much before I have to actually do things for myself. I can't always rely on them to be there because certain situations will prevent them from doing so, and at that point in time they couldn't help me, I had to help me. I wanted to be with them, but I needed to go to start over. Wants and needs are two different things.

As I made my travel to Boston and so on in my life, I listen to this song for strength, hope, and inspiration. It's a song penned and performed by Tina Arena, and was released in 97 along with 5 singles and various other songs written by her in the album "In Deep" with the exception of "I Want to Know What Love Is". This song was never released in the US, but it reached 13 in the Australian charts where Tina Arena is from. The music is heavily influenced by Latin/Spanish beats and rhythm, and was further complimented when they've released a Spanish album version for it's Mexico and Argentina release. The song talks about liberation and freedom from what was left behind.

That experience has thought me well. To keep faith in myself and to love myself infinitely, because all I have is myself in the end, and I'm not much use to anyone if I'm broken. I also learned to surround myself with good people, but never to rely on them too much as to keep myself from misdirected disappointments if they fall short of my expectations. I am proof that we can overcome anything, and I mean ANYTHING, that life throws at us. Because as you can see, I am ok, and "Now I Can Dance".

One of my favorite things to say...

is "I hate my life!"

Not that there's any real validity to the statement being that I DO like living, and that my life in particular isn't as bad as I portray it. It's more of a quote I like to say in reference to a bad day, a bad moment, or a form of comic relief among close friends, most especially Tuffie. And after reading his latest blog, it's safe to say he's chanting this quote as we speak.

To ease the blow of a bad weekend, I propose this song by the lovely Miss Des'ree released in 98 which was a huge hit in Europe and garnered her the BRIT Award in 99 for the Best Female Solo Artist category. In contrast, she was voted in 07 as worst pop lyricist of all time for the same song according to a BBC Radio poll, which I couldn't disagree more (apparently these people haven't paid particular attention to the lyrics of Band Aid's Christmas song "Do they Know It's Christmas?", eh Diarist?).

The Calypso Jazz upbeat song isn't lyrically genius, but more of a simple telling of one's experiences and confessions. I like it cause it's fun and it makes light of the subject, that we're in charge of whatever outcome there is for every action that we make and the particular risks that we take. So to Tuffie, sorry bout work sucking infinitely hard this past weekend (truly I am), but like we've always known, that's "Life".

There used to be a time...

when I thought of myself as one day becoming a parent. My life plan back in high school was to be in a successful profession and have kids by the time I was 28. I am now 28 and no where near that goal, and perhaps never will be as far as children go.

My BBF and I used to talk about us having kids who we'd go to PTA meetings for, shop clothes for, drive around in matching "Soccer mom" type lux SUVs, and watch their recitals. His kid would play the violin, while mine would play the piano or sing. They'd make us proud.

The way my life's been going I know that having a kid is not something I should even be contemplating. I'm now just getting my finances in shape, only now in a relationship that's gone longer than a couple of months, and barely have enough time for myself with all the social engagements I have to keep up with.

I recently listened to this song by the extraordinary Regina Carter that I want to share with you. My love of instrumentals bloomed when Cameron introduced me to Ms. Vanessa Mae. The song was from her album Paganini-After a Dream and was written back in 1887 by French composer Gabriel Fauré. What Ms. Mae did with electronica/classical fusion, Ms. Carter generally did the same but with jazz influences instead. Most Jazz fusions I will admit irritate the hell out of me with their over-exaggerated way of embellishments that's suppose to convey feelings that to me just ends up a hot mess. This song fortunately, is not one of those. It's emotions are easily achieved and felt. The classic song comes to life with a haunting charm to it, that even when the song picks up tempo, the violin sounds melancholy, almost sad. I feel as if this song suits my feelings about my life as of right now. Age 28, somewhat happy, upbeat and frustrated, with hints of disappointments over goals and dreams unattained.

Wherever this child of mine may be, in some cosmic waiting room somewhere, whether or not he or she will ever come to be, a lullaby for you called "Pavane".