After many years of hesitating...

I finally learned how not to!!! Certain situations in our lives call for drastic measures, and it's not the time to pussy-foot about!

I used to make mountains out of a mole hill. A perfect example would be asking a guy out. It's almost natural to be hesitant, but what's the worse thing that could happen...he says no? Would that really kill you? Trust that there are far more worse rejections in life, and you can be sure that there's plenty more of it as you go on living. Press on and move along! You make such a big production of the whole event you're not only wasting precious time, but you set yourself up for an even bigger disappointment.

Sure the rejection is a slap to the ol' ego, but remember that it takes guts to go after what you want and that counts for a lot! People gravitate towards potentials who are no nonsense. I for one don't like the timid. Life is about seizing the moment. It's not only there to be observed but to be lived! It's alright to be cautious, but to over analyze a situation and weigh the pros and cons can potentially kill the moment. So perhaps it'll be alright to jump even if just for once.

Wallowing about the past is also a common affliction that people suffer from. I'm an expert at that. But at some point even I came to the realization that the sooner I get over it, the sooner I can begin a new adventure. What good would it do me to keep kicking myself in the head for something that's already done and passed? It doesn't change anything. It's ok to recall the event that brought about the tragic outcome, but only if to learn from it! You set the tone and course of your life; only you can keep the record stuck on a bad groove on repeat.

My song of the moment is another old favorite (shocker) released in the US in 87 by the British jazz/sophisti-pop act Swing Out Sister from their debut album "It's Better to Travel". The song was written by the group when they were still a trio. It was No. 6 in the pop charts and was No. 1 in the adult contemporary charts in the US. The song even got a Grammy nod, and as a result has been closely associated with the group, and has become a staple on the adult contemporary and smooth jazz radio rotation. It's continuing popularity in Japan brought about the remix by Orange Lounge which was featured in Konami's 2006 Beatmania IIDX DistorteD release. The song is also featured in a SoftBank Mobile advertisement that features Cameron Diaz.

The song incorporates synth-work popular in the 80s, drum beats, and blaring brass. It's got an infectious rhythm and a catchy hook that changes key close to the end. The lyrics preaches about pursuing your goal in whatever means possible; push through adversities and that there's no better time than now to do what you need and want to do!

If you're tired of wondering what could've been and ready to face what could be, tired of watching others get all the fun you could be having, then "BREAKOUT"!

I wish sometimes...

that I could show you your strength that you never tap into. The kind of courage you have inside to do what you think is impossible. Mostly I wish you can believe that even though I'm so far away that I am always near you. That I am that voice in your head that's always whispering encouragements. That whatever you're going through will pass as it had passed for me, and come out of it whole as I have.

Here's an old favorite of ours from 2002-03 by Chantal Kreviazuk.

Remember, you're stronger than you give yourself credit...and that I am here if whenever you need that extra push. You and me..."In This Life".

Nothing can be as demoralizing...

than the feeling of utter failure. When you feel as if you've reached that lowest of lows, and getting up feels like a worthless effort. When everything has been taken away from you, not in an instant, but in intervals. As if waiting for you to catch your breath first before knocking it all out again. I had that moment.

In sequences I've lost my self respect and self love for something I had done to myself out of irresponsibility. My boyfriend at the time cheated on me, and hurt me, and left me at a time when I needed someone to care the most. And I know it's pathetic, but I even asked him back knowing I didn't even trust him. When you feel damaged, you'll cling on to anyone who'd take you. I was alienated by my long time friends who I was living with when I became financially unstable, one even physically attacked me. I was so broke that I went to sleep at night with no food in my stomach, and no breakfast in the morning. And all that time I didn't know how to ask help from my family (to include Cam, Luis, and Rob who were my family as well) because my pride wouldn't allow me to. The one time I had asked for help was when I ended up in the hospital for an abscess which would've killed me had I not gotten the surgery. The most I got from them were phone calls...I never had a visit. To tell you the truth I was deeply hurt by it because I had never felt more alone in my life than at that moment. I was so scared before the surgery, I thought to myself that I wasn't even going to see any of them if by chance I didn't make it. I sucked it up, and had to understand. They all have their own lives to deal with, and at the time all of our lives were very complicated that it was all that consumed us. My friend Van who barely knew me was with me through the whole ordeal. He took me to the hospital and even provided for me a Harry Potter book and cab fare to get home since he had to go to work. As I took that cab ride home, I realized that my life in a nutshell was shit.

As I contemplated my shitty life in bed one evening, it felt as if my room got darker and darker. The more the depression set in, the harder it was to see anything clearly, may it be thoughts or physical objects. Just then the moon came into view, and it shone down through my window. Desperate, I opened my window to let the night air in and I began to pray. I cried as I talked of how I was struggling, and how hopeless I felt. I prayed for help; for a chance to get myself up and off this cycle of pain and bad decisions. I fell asleep right there on my window sill exhausted, with all my demons quiet and the darkness at bay.

I woke up that morning with a sense of renewed faith in myself. I was given a clear head to realize that the only person who could get me out of this was me, and that if I ever were to make my life better again I had to take drastic action. I couldn't rely on anyone else because we are in charge of our life, no one else runs it for us. Two days after that faithful evening, I got a call from a good friend in Boston who I had kept in touch with for years. I told him everything that's been going on in my life, and after some coaxing I accepted his offer to help me get me back on track. If there ever was a reset button in life, this was it, at least for me. I made the ultimate sacrifice of leaving my wonderful and loving DC Family because after the hospital incident, I realized that my friends could only help me so much before I have to actually do things for myself. I can't always rely on them to be there because certain situations will prevent them from doing so, and at that point in time they couldn't help me, I had to help me. I wanted to be with them, but I needed to go to start over. Wants and needs are two different things.

As I made my travel to Boston and so on in my life, I listen to this song for strength, hope, and inspiration. It's a song penned and performed by Tina Arena, and was released in 97 along with 5 singles and various other songs written by her in the album "In Deep" with the exception of "I Want to Know What Love Is". This song was never released in the US, but it reached 13 in the Australian charts where Tina Arena is from. The music is heavily influenced by Latin/Spanish beats and rhythm, and was further complimented when they've released a Spanish album version for it's Mexico and Argentina release. The song talks about liberation and freedom from what was left behind.

That experience has thought me well. To keep faith in myself and to love myself infinitely, because all I have is myself in the end, and I'm not much use to anyone if I'm broken. I also learned to surround myself with good people, but never to rely on them too much as to keep myself from misdirected disappointments if they fall short of my expectations. I am proof that we can overcome anything, and I mean ANYTHING, that life throws at us. Because as you can see, I am ok, and "Now I Can Dance".

One of my favorite things to say...

is "I hate my life!"

Not that there's any real validity to the statement being that I DO like living, and that my life in particular isn't as bad as I portray it. It's more of a quote I like to say in reference to a bad day, a bad moment, or a form of comic relief among close friends, most especially Tuffie. And after reading his latest blog, it's safe to say he's chanting this quote as we speak.

To ease the blow of a bad weekend, I propose this song by the lovely Miss Des'ree released in 98 which was a huge hit in Europe and garnered her the BRIT Award in 99 for the Best Female Solo Artist category. In contrast, she was voted in 07 as worst pop lyricist of all time for the same song according to a BBC Radio poll, which I couldn't disagree more (apparently these people haven't paid particular attention to the lyrics of Band Aid's Christmas song "Do they Know It's Christmas?", eh Diarist?).

The Calypso Jazz upbeat song isn't lyrically genius, but more of a simple telling of one's experiences and confessions. I like it cause it's fun and it makes light of the subject, that we're in charge of whatever outcome there is for every action that we make and the particular risks that we take. So to Tuffie, sorry bout work sucking infinitely hard this past weekend (truly I am), but like we've always known, that's "Life".

I wonder if...

there's any truth to being gay as some kind of a trend. With all these actors and musicians coming out and not having any real backlash other than instant upgrade in fame one would think so. Along with the fashionable men or metrosexuals growing in fast numbers now that society has accepted such a term for a more hygienic and snappy dressed man to an almost effeminate proportion.

One could also hope that at some point it won't only be kissing girls that would be a common trend among drunk heteros at bars and clubs. Wouldn't it just be crazy if one day men follow suit? Perhaps this is more wishful thinking than anything. Women do have a sexual ambiguity to them that enables them to partake in such acts without the consequential jeers from their peers because what man would refuse to see such a thing? Not only would their gal pals join in, but the opposite sex would chant them on in a cromagnon-esque styled hoorah.

The song this week breaches on the subject slightly from two sides. One is about what we just talked about (gay trend), and the other is pure sexual curiosity storytelling. Katy Perry reminds me of KT Tunstall, only infinitely more fun! She first gained notoriety for her song "Ur So Gay" (which is an absolute genius of a song that pokes fun at metrosexual men). On April 29, 2008, Katy Perry released her first official single from One of the Boys on the iTunes Store. The song was co-written with Dr. Luke, Max Martin and Cathy Dennis and debuted on the Billboard Hot 100 at #76, climbing to #1 as of June 25, 2008. It has peaked on iTunes Top 100 at #1, as of June 3, 2008.

The music video for the song was released on May 21, 2008 on MySpace. The song has generated controversy due to its popularity with children and its depiction of sexuality, homosexuality, and/or promiscuity, though as Slant Magazine concludes, the song, "isn't problematic because it promotes homosexuality, but because its appropriation of the gay lifestyle exists for the sole purpose of garnering attention—both from Perry's boyfriend and her audience."

As far as the video becoming popular with kids, as long as what they're getting from it is that being gay is ok, and that sexual curiosity is normal, I have no qualms or problems with it. But then you get these parents who would complain about the contents being featured on Myspace, when they should really ask themselves whether or not they're even doing a good job being parents letting their underage kids wander around Myspace, supervised or not!

Do you agree with Slant that perhaps this "gay trend" is being used not as a way to give us more exposure (we're here, we're queer, get used to it), but rather just as another tool for self gain from people who would otherwise be nobody's for lack of a better imagination and inventiveness? Makes you think about the women we talked about earlier who snog each other at the clubs and scream, "I Kissed a Girl"