Friday, November 7, 2008

The Revolution needs to begin...

I'm writing this blog entry as my last.

Prop 8 passed in California and I for one am outraged and overwhelmed by anger.

The reason behind putting a stop to this blog is to try and formulate a way to educate people about what it means to be a gay man/woman through a more purposeful blog which will be shared and networked around the nation through different series, versions, and bloggers.

I don't know where to begin, but I know it has to start.

I'm tired of just being disappointed and sad for my gay community...and I'm also tired of being angry all the time at the non-sense I hear from people with skewed views of what gay is all about.

The revolution needs to begin...

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Something to Remember (Geoff)

Reeling from my last relationship, I found myself in the company of a man who made our complicated “situation” seem so simple.

He’s been in a relationship for 6 years that died a week after it had started. I guess what drew us to each other was our yearning for a little happiness from our personal lives. It was more than just carnal lust, it was more than just a tryst, it was more than just to have someone to sympathize with.

Our relationship, if you’d call it that, was uncomplicated in a way that there was no confusion in what we were doing. The need for companionship in every possible context. It was very physical, and deeply emotional. I was revived after months of stagnant existence.

Our affair went on just long enough for us to realize that what we’ve needed and wanted all along we found in each other in order to heal, and now we’re hitting that point in which we have to do an about face and walk on our lives separately, or cross over the line that ensnares the heart and would begin to undo the good we’ve done for each other.

Am I ashamed of what I had done? Is he? It’s a definite no for both parties. I slept and had coveted a “married” man there’s nothing clearer than that. But how did it feel so right when clearly it was wrong? It is sad to belong to someone else when the right one comes along.

We probably lied to ourselves about not falling in love…I guess it had to be that way.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Something to Remember (Kevin)

Do you know what happens to a love cut short? Even if you did it because you felt it was for the often produces regret.

I met the perfect guy when I wasn't looking for love. I was still healing from my last adventure when he came along and approached me with keen and genuine interest. This guy made me feel all at once important, and worth spending time getting to know.

There was a lot about him that attracted me to him. Like the way he socialized with his friends and people in general. The fact that he could make me laugh and not be embarrassed to do it so out loud. His casual demeanor and kind heart. I especially loved the way he loved me, unconditionally, and with acceptance of the whole me...warts and all. We never really argued...not about anything and especially not just for the sake of having a debate. I couldn't get myself to be angry with him even if I tried...and all I wanted to do was be around him all the time.

At the time that we met he was a student and I was already a participant of the work force. I never went to college so everything that he was involved with as far as school was all alien to me. However it never made me feel inferior in any way, partly because of my own pride in the things that I've accomplished, and mostly because he never made me feel inadequate.

Our relationship however felt like it was on a time limit. He was going to graduate soon and it would mean that he'd have to leave to go and finish off the rest of his studies somewhere else...away from me. He vied for a college that was much closer, went as far as to go there to talk to the deans and present his argument as to why they should chose him to attend their school...partly because of be nearer to me. That didn't happen.

We continued to love even though we knew that at some point we'll have to decide whether it is possible to love someone who's physically absent most of the time. I know I tried not to let it faze me...but I really was scared to death of losing him.

As the weeks came and went, I started to realize his excitement towards the new endeavor he's going to take on. He talked to his friends wide-eyed and gleeful of being in a new city and making new friends. But even in his ramblings he never forgot about me and to include me in his plans. I thought to myself that he'd planned this all out his whole life, his dreams are within reach. He's come so far to have something....or someone....derail or impede him as our relationship may eventually do. I feared the unknown...and I didn't want to gamble his future that he worked so hard for on the off chance that perhaps we were meant to be. I guess if we were meant to be, then we will be. Even if it meant having to break up to see if life will lead back to us. So we did, reluctantly...and it literally broke me. It was so bad that even to this day when I think of or talk about it I would have to hold my breath to keep the tears from welling.

As far as regret goes, I do not regret having met him, nor do I regret loving him. I do however regret having let go of our relationship, and being afraid. Understand that I did it because I honestly believed it was for the best. I didn't want to rob him of his full experience being in a new place and on to fulfilling his goal when he had worked so hard to get to where he was. How could he have been completely happy knowing he'd left his heart with me hundreds of miles away. I loved him enough to not have to put him through any type of pain. I wanted him to be happy even if it was without me.

They tell you that regrets are a waste of time and that we should avoid having them. Truth is we do have regrets, and they're just too real to not be realized. I do regret, but that doesn't mean that I'm going to let it cripple me in the present. It is what it is.

P.S. He finished school and is doing what he set out to do...and with someone loving him by his side. He's happy...and so am I.

Friday, August 29, 2008

Something to Remember (Peter)

We met by accident at a club. It's one of those "almost perfect story of how we met" kind of situation, where I accidentally looked to my left while smiling and he just happen to be at the receiving end of it. I gave him my number on a matchbook case, and it all just went from there.

Casual dating, is what we originally agreed on. No one was in a rush, and it seemed the most logical way to get to know each other without the pressures of a real relationship. The problem is that one tends to get carried away by the sensation, and thus gets too involved.

I was in a point in my adult life where I was ready to commit to a healthy relationship. He however, just needed to commit to a healthier lifestyle. He had family issues he had been dealing with, a new job that makes him nervous, and now to add to that, a guy who's enamored with him to which he couldn't devote anything more than just something casual.

You try to agree and you hold back your feelings as much as you can, but when someone is so wonderful, so handsome, and so comfortable to be around with, there's not much you can do but to fall. After a while you get the feeling that one is being shorthanded, and thus both would have to make a decision about the situation. One would declare his feelings of wanting to belong and needing more, of deserving more, the other is then forced to rebuff.

"I love you, but I'm not 'in-love' with you."

I've been in these situations when an end is inevitable, and damnit, I'm going to be strong this time. Brush it off, tell him it's ok. You're fine and if this is how it has to be then so be it. Make sure to ask if this is what he really wants. He agrees. It's harder to breathe now. Let's say goodbye and make our exit. Losing your composure now would only let him in on how you really feel. You can just do your crying in the car.

Love is a two way street. You can't get yourself involved in a relationship when it's clear that the two of you have different wants. Regardless of the outcome of a casual dating situation, you should be understanding of each other's situation, and with mutual respect, you can come to a resolution which may not always be a happy ending, but at least an amicable parting.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Something To Remember (Christopher)

When I got together with my first boyfriend, it was all for the wrong reasons. I wanted to prove to my friends that I was capable of being in a loving relationship where I would be a stellar boyfriend. Indeed it started out that way.

He was well to do and was extremely generous, to the point of being too flashy. We both wanted to be in a relationship, but I think we both had different ideas of how to manage it. He thought he had to keep showing grand gestures and buy everything I remotely fancy in order to keep me, and I thought that I could learn to love him with my determined heart.

I knew from our first week of being together that we weren't a good fit, but I dragged it on because I thought "I'm just not used to being in a relationship, I should give it a while longer. Most couples start out this way." It was a mistake. As much as I remind him that I'm fully capable of taking care of myself, he spoiled me. I didn't stop him. Why? Because if I were in the capacity to spoil someone then I would too. You don't throw gifts back at someone who's trying to make you happy. I quickly found out how immature he was as well, and how if he didn't get his way he would throw tantrums like a 2 year old. I was no better. I was always looking for ways to get away from him, if not just to hang out with my friends for a while without him being suspicious of my actions or getting into a debate filled with non-sense.

He accused me on several occasions of being unfaithful. During those arguments I often thought to myself he's gone bananas. The truth was that he cheated on me on several occasions and he was reflecting his actions on me to pass the guilt. He was obsessed with the idea, and he suffocated our relationship with his constant hovering and spying. I tried every way possible to make sure that he knew that he was the only man in my life. I showed it both in action and in words but it didn't stop him from obsessing about the worst scenario.

I ended up cheating on him. I know you hear it all the time when people are pushed into doing it, or finding someone you're more into, perhaps it was a little of both. An opportunity presented itself during a trip home for me to meet an old flame whom I knew I was still head over heels for on some level. It was hard not to fall because of the strangle hold my relationship had me on...and because I know that I didn't love my boyfriend any more. Cause how could you when you find yourself with someone else...loving someone else...sleeping with someone else. I'm not particularly proud of what I did...but I can tell you that I don't regret it. I'm not defending my actions nor am I saying it was right...but I make no apologies for it.

When I returned from my trip, my boyfriend and I ended things after a fantastic fight in which he argued that it was my responsibility to keep him satisfied in the sack. You can basically work out in your own heads how well that went...did I mention this was at 2 am on a work day? The break up was amicable at first...then he plagued my life with lies he had spread about me. How supposedly I was gold digger and what have you. With his lack of maturity I figured this would happen...but I didn't think of him stupid to try and sell these lies to my own friends.

You can't make yourself love someone...and you definitely can't buy my love.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Something To Remember (Jonathan)

Many have asked my opinion on long distance relationships and if it’s something one should pursue. Here’s my two cents…it’s very romantic and all, but this ain’t the renaissance. Unless someone moves to be closer to the other, I suggest cutting it short and count your losses before you get hurt.

Case and point, I got into a pseudo dating relation with a guy who was part Adonis, part Incredible Hulk. He was beautiful, and he knew he was beautiful, and I knew he was beautiful. He was very charming, very down to earth, and the manliest guy I know at the time. He was also very ill tempered, quick to bark, and was downright mean when he wants to be. A serious hindrance to why he would often go on a tirade is because we only communicated through e-mails and IMs. Yes, it was long distance, him stationed in Korea, me in Maryland. I tell you that there are not enough emoticons in the world that would convey the mood of words being typed out when you're trying to reason. There were miscommunications and plenty heaping of misunderstandings.

It wasn’t all bad. There were plenty of times when he made me feel very much needed and loved, but then there were plenty of times when I was left out for days without a word from him because of an argument (which I can tell you now was usually rooted from a misunderstanding). I cared about him so much that I couldn't just let him go, and it broke me to pieces when he shut me out. There was very little I could do, he was too far away, and perhaps he always was going to be.

I found out that he also had a bevy of admirers lined up, not just me, and even then I was stupid enough to still fight to have him for myself. Talk about pouring salt on the wound myself. I remember falling out of love when he went on another tirade and decided to freeze me out. This time however, I realized I was not only trying to build a relationship on a poor medium that doesn’t allow me to reach him, but that I was staying for the abuse as well. The bad definitely outweighed the good, so I summoned whatever self esteem I had left, and gave up.

You can’t build a relationship when one is absent part of the time. You’ll drive yourself crazy from worrying when you don’t hear from them. Your mind will play mean tricks on you and fill your head with doubt. You’ll want more than just words when you need encouragement. A text message doesn’t equate to the feeling of someone’s loving embrace.

Love will never survive this way.

Something To Remember (Luis)

Are you familiar with the story of Narcissus and Echo? Well here's the breakdown...Narcissus was an arrogant, attention whore who dies after falling in love with his own reflection. Echo is the sad sad little nymph who was so lovestruck with Narcissus that she followed him everywhere, repeating every word of affection he's lavishing on himself as if it were directed to her, until like him she wasted away doomed to repeat everything said out loud. What's the relevance of this tragic story? I was Echo. Although I didn't need my Narcissus to tell me what to say, I did it on my own accord.

I wanted this guy so badly that I became a siphon for all the little bits of false affection he'd give me. I come to realize he only did this because he thrives on the fanfare of attention I was showering him with. He wasn't in love with me, he was in love with the adoration. I was being strung along but I didn't care, if it felt that good being used by him then I was more than willing to be used up.

I came to my senses after a while (and after being slapped back to reality by my bff...several times might I add). And I finally figured that I would waste my time and other opportunities away if I don't stop campaigning for the love of a guy who was more in love with fandom than he ever would be with me.

(silver lining: Luis and I are now bffs, and I wouldn't have it any other way)