Reeling from my last relationship, I found myself in the company of a man who made our complicated “situation” seem so simple.
He’s been in a relationship for 6 years that died a week after it had started. I guess what drew us to each other was our yearning for a little happiness from our personal lives. It was more than just carnal lust, it was more than just a tryst, it was more than just to have someone to sympathize with.
Our relationship, if you’d call it that, was uncomplicated in a way that there was no confusion in what we were doing. The need for companionship in every possible context. It was very physical, and deeply emotional. I was revived after months of stagnant existence.
Our affair went on just long enough for us to realize that what we’ve needed and wanted all along we found in each other in order to heal, and now we’re hitting that point in which we have to do an about face and walk on our lives separately, or cross over the line that ensnares the heart and would begin to undo the good we’ve done for each other.
Am I ashamed of what I had done? Is he? It’s a definite no for both parties. I slept and had coveted a “married” man there’s nothing clearer than that. But how did it feel so right when clearly it was wrong? It is sad to belong to someone else when the right one comes along.
We probably lied to ourselves about not falling in love…I guess it had to be that way.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Something to Remember (Kevin)
Do you know what happens to a love cut short? Even if you did it because you felt it was for the best...it often produces regret.
I met the perfect guy when I wasn't looking for love. I was still healing from my last adventure when he came along and approached me with keen and genuine interest. This guy made me feel all at once important, and worth spending time getting to know.
There was a lot about him that attracted me to him. Like the way he socialized with his friends and people in general. The fact that he could make me laugh and not be embarrassed to do it so out loud. His casual demeanor and kind heart. I especially loved the way he loved me, unconditionally, and with acceptance of the whole me...warts and all. We never really argued...not about anything and especially not just for the sake of having a debate. I couldn't get myself to be angry with him even if I tried...and all I wanted to do was be around him all the time.
At the time that we met he was a student and I was already a participant of the work force. I never went to college so everything that he was involved with as far as school was all alien to me. However it never made me feel inferior in any way, partly because of my own pride in the things that I've accomplished, and mostly because he never made me feel inadequate.
Our relationship however felt like it was on a time limit. He was going to graduate soon and it would mean that he'd have to leave to go and finish off the rest of his studies somewhere else...away from me. He vied for a college that was much closer, went as far as to go there to talk to the deans and present his argument as to why they should chose him to attend their school...partly because of me...to be nearer to me. That didn't happen.
We continued to love even though we knew that at some point we'll have to decide whether it is possible to love someone who's physically absent most of the time. I know I tried not to let it faze me...but I really was scared to death of losing him.
As the weeks came and went, I started to realize his excitement towards the new endeavor he's going to take on. He talked to his friends wide-eyed and gleeful of being in a new city and making new friends. But even in his ramblings he never forgot about me and to include me in his plans. I thought to myself that he'd planned this all out his whole life, his dreams are within reach. He's come so far to have something....or someone....derail or impede him as our relationship may eventually do. I feared the unknown...and I didn't want to gamble his future that he worked so hard for on the off chance that perhaps we were meant to be. I guess if we were meant to be, then we will be. Even if it meant having to break up to see if life will lead back to us. So we did, reluctantly...and it literally broke me. It was so bad that even to this day when I think of or talk about it I would have to hold my breath to keep the tears from welling.
As far as regret goes, I do not regret having met him, nor do I regret loving him. I do however regret having let go of our relationship, and being afraid. Understand that I did it because I honestly believed it was for the best. I didn't want to rob him of his full experience being in a new place and on to fulfilling his goal when he had worked so hard to get to where he was. How could he have been completely happy knowing he'd left his heart with me hundreds of miles away. I loved him enough to not have to put him through any type of pain. I wanted him to be happy even if it was without me.
They tell you that regrets are a waste of time and that we should avoid having them. Truth is we do have regrets, and they're just too real to not be realized. I do regret, but that doesn't mean that I'm going to let it cripple me in the present. It is what it is.
P.S. He finished school and is doing what he set out to do...and with someone loving him by his side. He's happy...and so am I.
I met the perfect guy when I wasn't looking for love. I was still healing from my last adventure when he came along and approached me with keen and genuine interest. This guy made me feel all at once important, and worth spending time getting to know.
There was a lot about him that attracted me to him. Like the way he socialized with his friends and people in general. The fact that he could make me laugh and not be embarrassed to do it so out loud. His casual demeanor and kind heart. I especially loved the way he loved me, unconditionally, and with acceptance of the whole me...warts and all. We never really argued...not about anything and especially not just for the sake of having a debate. I couldn't get myself to be angry with him even if I tried...and all I wanted to do was be around him all the time.
At the time that we met he was a student and I was already a participant of the work force. I never went to college so everything that he was involved with as far as school was all alien to me. However it never made me feel inferior in any way, partly because of my own pride in the things that I've accomplished, and mostly because he never made me feel inadequate.
Our relationship however felt like it was on a time limit. He was going to graduate soon and it would mean that he'd have to leave to go and finish off the rest of his studies somewhere else...away from me. He vied for a college that was much closer, went as far as to go there to talk to the deans and present his argument as to why they should chose him to attend their school...partly because of me...to be nearer to me. That didn't happen.
We continued to love even though we knew that at some point we'll have to decide whether it is possible to love someone who's physically absent most of the time. I know I tried not to let it faze me...but I really was scared to death of losing him.
As the weeks came and went, I started to realize his excitement towards the new endeavor he's going to take on. He talked to his friends wide-eyed and gleeful of being in a new city and making new friends. But even in his ramblings he never forgot about me and to include me in his plans. I thought to myself that he'd planned this all out his whole life, his dreams are within reach. He's come so far to have something....or someone....derail or impede him as our relationship may eventually do. I feared the unknown...and I didn't want to gamble his future that he worked so hard for on the off chance that perhaps we were meant to be. I guess if we were meant to be, then we will be. Even if it meant having to break up to see if life will lead back to us. So we did, reluctantly...and it literally broke me. It was so bad that even to this day when I think of or talk about it I would have to hold my breath to keep the tears from welling.
As far as regret goes, I do not regret having met him, nor do I regret loving him. I do however regret having let go of our relationship, and being afraid. Understand that I did it because I honestly believed it was for the best. I didn't want to rob him of his full experience being in a new place and on to fulfilling his goal when he had worked so hard to get to where he was. How could he have been completely happy knowing he'd left his heart with me hundreds of miles away. I loved him enough to not have to put him through any type of pain. I wanted him to be happy even if it was without me.
They tell you that regrets are a waste of time and that we should avoid having them. Truth is we do have regrets, and they're just too real to not be realized. I do regret, but that doesn't mean that I'm going to let it cripple me in the present. It is what it is.
P.S. He finished school and is doing what he set out to do...and with someone loving him by his side. He's happy...and so am I.
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