I'm writing this blog entry as my last.
Prop 8 passed in California and I for one am outraged and overwhelmed by anger.
The reason behind putting a stop to this blog is to try and formulate a way to educate people about what it means to be a gay man/woman through a more purposeful blog which will be shared and networked around the nation through different series, versions, and bloggers.
I don't know where to begin, but I know it has to start.
I'm tired of just being disappointed and sad for my gay community...and I'm also tired of being angry all the time at the non-sense I hear from people with skewed views of what gay is all about.
The revolution needs to begin...
Friday, November 7, 2008
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Something to Remember (Geoff)
Reeling from my last relationship, I found myself in the company of a man who made our complicated “situation” seem so simple.
He’s been in a relationship for 6 years that died a week after it had started. I guess what drew us to each other was our yearning for a little happiness from our personal lives. It was more than just carnal lust, it was more than just a tryst, it was more than just to have someone to sympathize with.
Our relationship, if you’d call it that, was uncomplicated in a way that there was no confusion in what we were doing. The need for companionship in every possible context. It was very physical, and deeply emotional. I was revived after months of stagnant existence.
Our affair went on just long enough for us to realize that what we’ve needed and wanted all along we found in each other in order to heal, and now we’re hitting that point in which we have to do an about face and walk on our lives separately, or cross over the line that ensnares the heart and would begin to undo the good we’ve done for each other.
Am I ashamed of what I had done? Is he? It’s a definite no for both parties. I slept and had coveted a “married” man there’s nothing clearer than that. But how did it feel so right when clearly it was wrong? It is sad to belong to someone else when the right one comes along.
We probably lied to ourselves about not falling in love…I guess it had to be that way.
He’s been in a relationship for 6 years that died a week after it had started. I guess what drew us to each other was our yearning for a little happiness from our personal lives. It was more than just carnal lust, it was more than just a tryst, it was more than just to have someone to sympathize with.
Our relationship, if you’d call it that, was uncomplicated in a way that there was no confusion in what we were doing. The need for companionship in every possible context. It was very physical, and deeply emotional. I was revived after months of stagnant existence.
Our affair went on just long enough for us to realize that what we’ve needed and wanted all along we found in each other in order to heal, and now we’re hitting that point in which we have to do an about face and walk on our lives separately, or cross over the line that ensnares the heart and would begin to undo the good we’ve done for each other.
Am I ashamed of what I had done? Is he? It’s a definite no for both parties. I slept and had coveted a “married” man there’s nothing clearer than that. But how did it feel so right when clearly it was wrong? It is sad to belong to someone else when the right one comes along.
We probably lied to ourselves about not falling in love…I guess it had to be that way.
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Something to Remember (Kevin)
Do you know what happens to a love cut short? Even if you did it because you felt it was for the best...it often produces regret.
I met the perfect guy when I wasn't looking for love. I was still healing from my last adventure when he came along and approached me with keen and genuine interest. This guy made me feel all at once important, and worth spending time getting to know.
There was a lot about him that attracted me to him. Like the way he socialized with his friends and people in general. The fact that he could make me laugh and not be embarrassed to do it so out loud. His casual demeanor and kind heart. I especially loved the way he loved me, unconditionally, and with acceptance of the whole me...warts and all. We never really argued...not about anything and especially not just for the sake of having a debate. I couldn't get myself to be angry with him even if I tried...and all I wanted to do was be around him all the time.
At the time that we met he was a student and I was already a participant of the work force. I never went to college so everything that he was involved with as far as school was all alien to me. However it never made me feel inferior in any way, partly because of my own pride in the things that I've accomplished, and mostly because he never made me feel inadequate.
Our relationship however felt like it was on a time limit. He was going to graduate soon and it would mean that he'd have to leave to go and finish off the rest of his studies somewhere else...away from me. He vied for a college that was much closer, went as far as to go there to talk to the deans and present his argument as to why they should chose him to attend their school...partly because of me...to be nearer to me. That didn't happen.
We continued to love even though we knew that at some point we'll have to decide whether it is possible to love someone who's physically absent most of the time. I know I tried not to let it faze me...but I really was scared to death of losing him.
As the weeks came and went, I started to realize his excitement towards the new endeavor he's going to take on. He talked to his friends wide-eyed and gleeful of being in a new city and making new friends. But even in his ramblings he never forgot about me and to include me in his plans. I thought to myself that he'd planned this all out his whole life, his dreams are within reach. He's come so far to have something....or someone....derail or impede him as our relationship may eventually do. I feared the unknown...and I didn't want to gamble his future that he worked so hard for on the off chance that perhaps we were meant to be. I guess if we were meant to be, then we will be. Even if it meant having to break up to see if life will lead back to us. So we did, reluctantly...and it literally broke me. It was so bad that even to this day when I think of or talk about it I would have to hold my breath to keep the tears from welling.
As far as regret goes, I do not regret having met him, nor do I regret loving him. I do however regret having let go of our relationship, and being afraid. Understand that I did it because I honestly believed it was for the best. I didn't want to rob him of his full experience being in a new place and on to fulfilling his goal when he had worked so hard to get to where he was. How could he have been completely happy knowing he'd left his heart with me hundreds of miles away. I loved him enough to not have to put him through any type of pain. I wanted him to be happy even if it was without me.
They tell you that regrets are a waste of time and that we should avoid having them. Truth is we do have regrets, and they're just too real to not be realized. I do regret, but that doesn't mean that I'm going to let it cripple me in the present. It is what it is.
P.S. He finished school and is doing what he set out to do...and with someone loving him by his side. He's happy...and so am I.
I met the perfect guy when I wasn't looking for love. I was still healing from my last adventure when he came along and approached me with keen and genuine interest. This guy made me feel all at once important, and worth spending time getting to know.
There was a lot about him that attracted me to him. Like the way he socialized with his friends and people in general. The fact that he could make me laugh and not be embarrassed to do it so out loud. His casual demeanor and kind heart. I especially loved the way he loved me, unconditionally, and with acceptance of the whole me...warts and all. We never really argued...not about anything and especially not just for the sake of having a debate. I couldn't get myself to be angry with him even if I tried...and all I wanted to do was be around him all the time.
At the time that we met he was a student and I was already a participant of the work force. I never went to college so everything that he was involved with as far as school was all alien to me. However it never made me feel inferior in any way, partly because of my own pride in the things that I've accomplished, and mostly because he never made me feel inadequate.
Our relationship however felt like it was on a time limit. He was going to graduate soon and it would mean that he'd have to leave to go and finish off the rest of his studies somewhere else...away from me. He vied for a college that was much closer, went as far as to go there to talk to the deans and present his argument as to why they should chose him to attend their school...partly because of me...to be nearer to me. That didn't happen.
We continued to love even though we knew that at some point we'll have to decide whether it is possible to love someone who's physically absent most of the time. I know I tried not to let it faze me...but I really was scared to death of losing him.
As the weeks came and went, I started to realize his excitement towards the new endeavor he's going to take on. He talked to his friends wide-eyed and gleeful of being in a new city and making new friends. But even in his ramblings he never forgot about me and to include me in his plans. I thought to myself that he'd planned this all out his whole life, his dreams are within reach. He's come so far to have something....or someone....derail or impede him as our relationship may eventually do. I feared the unknown...and I didn't want to gamble his future that he worked so hard for on the off chance that perhaps we were meant to be. I guess if we were meant to be, then we will be. Even if it meant having to break up to see if life will lead back to us. So we did, reluctantly...and it literally broke me. It was so bad that even to this day when I think of or talk about it I would have to hold my breath to keep the tears from welling.
As far as regret goes, I do not regret having met him, nor do I regret loving him. I do however regret having let go of our relationship, and being afraid. Understand that I did it because I honestly believed it was for the best. I didn't want to rob him of his full experience being in a new place and on to fulfilling his goal when he had worked so hard to get to where he was. How could he have been completely happy knowing he'd left his heart with me hundreds of miles away. I loved him enough to not have to put him through any type of pain. I wanted him to be happy even if it was without me.
They tell you that regrets are a waste of time and that we should avoid having them. Truth is we do have regrets, and they're just too real to not be realized. I do regret, but that doesn't mean that I'm going to let it cripple me in the present. It is what it is.
P.S. He finished school and is doing what he set out to do...and with someone loving him by his side. He's happy...and so am I.
Friday, August 29, 2008
Something to Remember (Peter)
We met by accident at a club. It's one of those "almost perfect story of how we met" kind of situation, where I accidentally looked to my left while smiling and he just happen to be at the receiving end of it. I gave him my number on a matchbook case, and it all just went from there.
Casual dating, is what we originally agreed on. No one was in a rush, and it seemed the most logical way to get to know each other without the pressures of a real relationship. The problem is that one tends to get carried away by the sensation, and thus gets too involved.
I was in a point in my adult life where I was ready to commit to a healthy relationship. He however, just needed to commit to a healthier lifestyle. He had family issues he had been dealing with, a new job that makes him nervous, and now to add to that, a guy who's enamored with him to which he couldn't devote anything more than just something casual.
You try to agree and you hold back your feelings as much as you can, but when someone is so wonderful, so handsome, and so comfortable to be around with, there's not much you can do but to fall. After a while you get the feeling that one is being shorthanded, and thus both would have to make a decision about the situation. One would declare his feelings of wanting to belong and needing more, of deserving more, the other is then forced to rebuff.
"I love you, but I'm not 'in-love' with you."
I've been in these situations when an end is inevitable, and damnit, I'm going to be strong this time. Brush it off, tell him it's ok. You're fine and if this is how it has to be then so be it. Make sure to ask if this is what he really wants. He agrees. It's harder to breathe now. Let's say goodbye and make our exit. Losing your composure now would only let him in on how you really feel. You can just do your crying in the car.
Love is a two way street. You can't get yourself involved in a relationship when it's clear that the two of you have different wants. Regardless of the outcome of a casual dating situation, you should be understanding of each other's situation, and with mutual respect, you can come to a resolution which may not always be a happy ending, but at least an amicable parting.
Casual dating, is what we originally agreed on. No one was in a rush, and it seemed the most logical way to get to know each other without the pressures of a real relationship. The problem is that one tends to get carried away by the sensation, and thus gets too involved.
I was in a point in my adult life where I was ready to commit to a healthy relationship. He however, just needed to commit to a healthier lifestyle. He had family issues he had been dealing with, a new job that makes him nervous, and now to add to that, a guy who's enamored with him to which he couldn't devote anything more than just something casual.
You try to agree and you hold back your feelings as much as you can, but when someone is so wonderful, so handsome, and so comfortable to be around with, there's not much you can do but to fall. After a while you get the feeling that one is being shorthanded, and thus both would have to make a decision about the situation. One would declare his feelings of wanting to belong and needing more, of deserving more, the other is then forced to rebuff.
"I love you, but I'm not 'in-love' with you."
I've been in these situations when an end is inevitable, and damnit, I'm going to be strong this time. Brush it off, tell him it's ok. You're fine and if this is how it has to be then so be it. Make sure to ask if this is what he really wants. He agrees. It's harder to breathe now. Let's say goodbye and make our exit. Losing your composure now would only let him in on how you really feel. You can just do your crying in the car.
Love is a two way street. You can't get yourself involved in a relationship when it's clear that the two of you have different wants. Regardless of the outcome of a casual dating situation, you should be understanding of each other's situation, and with mutual respect, you can come to a resolution which may not always be a happy ending, but at least an amicable parting.
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Something To Remember (Christopher)
When I got together with my first boyfriend, it was all for the wrong reasons. I wanted to prove to my friends that I was capable of being in a loving relationship where I would be a stellar boyfriend. Indeed it started out that way.
He was well to do and was extremely generous, to the point of being too flashy. We both wanted to be in a relationship, but I think we both had different ideas of how to manage it. He thought he had to keep showing grand gestures and buy everything I remotely fancy in order to keep me, and I thought that I could learn to love him with my determined heart.
I knew from our first week of being together that we weren't a good fit, but I dragged it on because I thought "I'm just not used to being in a relationship, I should give it a while longer. Most couples start out this way." It was a mistake. As much as I remind him that I'm fully capable of taking care of myself, he spoiled me. I didn't stop him. Why? Because if I were in the capacity to spoil someone then I would too. You don't throw gifts back at someone who's trying to make you happy. I quickly found out how immature he was as well, and how if he didn't get his way he would throw tantrums like a 2 year old. I was no better. I was always looking for ways to get away from him, if not just to hang out with my friends for a while without him being suspicious of my actions or getting into a debate filled with non-sense.
He accused me on several occasions of being unfaithful. During those arguments I often thought to myself he's gone bananas. The truth was that he cheated on me on several occasions and he was reflecting his actions on me to pass the guilt. He was obsessed with the idea, and he suffocated our relationship with his constant hovering and spying. I tried every way possible to make sure that he knew that he was the only man in my life. I showed it both in action and in words but it didn't stop him from obsessing about the worst scenario.
I ended up cheating on him. I know you hear it all the time when people are pushed into doing it, or finding someone you're more into, perhaps it was a little of both. An opportunity presented itself during a trip home for me to meet an old flame whom I knew I was still head over heels for on some level. It was hard not to fall because of the strangle hold my relationship had me on...and because I know that I didn't love my boyfriend any more. Cause how could you when you find yourself with someone else...loving someone else...sleeping with someone else. I'm not particularly proud of what I did...but I can tell you that I don't regret it. I'm not defending my actions nor am I saying it was right...but I make no apologies for it.
When I returned from my trip, my boyfriend and I ended things after a fantastic fight in which he argued that it was my responsibility to keep him satisfied in the sack. You can basically work out in your own heads how well that went...did I mention this was at 2 am on a work day? The break up was amicable at first...then he plagued my life with lies he had spread about me. How supposedly I was gold digger and what have you. With his lack of maturity I figured this would happen...but I didn't think of him stupid to try and sell these lies to my own friends.
You can't make yourself love someone...and you definitely can't buy my love.
He was well to do and was extremely generous, to the point of being too flashy. We both wanted to be in a relationship, but I think we both had different ideas of how to manage it. He thought he had to keep showing grand gestures and buy everything I remotely fancy in order to keep me, and I thought that I could learn to love him with my determined heart.
I knew from our first week of being together that we weren't a good fit, but I dragged it on because I thought "I'm just not used to being in a relationship, I should give it a while longer. Most couples start out this way." It was a mistake. As much as I remind him that I'm fully capable of taking care of myself, he spoiled me. I didn't stop him. Why? Because if I were in the capacity to spoil someone then I would too. You don't throw gifts back at someone who's trying to make you happy. I quickly found out how immature he was as well, and how if he didn't get his way he would throw tantrums like a 2 year old. I was no better. I was always looking for ways to get away from him, if not just to hang out with my friends for a while without him being suspicious of my actions or getting into a debate filled with non-sense.
He accused me on several occasions of being unfaithful. During those arguments I often thought to myself he's gone bananas. The truth was that he cheated on me on several occasions and he was reflecting his actions on me to pass the guilt. He was obsessed with the idea, and he suffocated our relationship with his constant hovering and spying. I tried every way possible to make sure that he knew that he was the only man in my life. I showed it both in action and in words but it didn't stop him from obsessing about the worst scenario.
I ended up cheating on him. I know you hear it all the time when people are pushed into doing it, or finding someone you're more into, perhaps it was a little of both. An opportunity presented itself during a trip home for me to meet an old flame whom I knew I was still head over heels for on some level. It was hard not to fall because of the strangle hold my relationship had me on...and because I know that I didn't love my boyfriend any more. Cause how could you when you find yourself with someone else...loving someone else...sleeping with someone else. I'm not particularly proud of what I did...but I can tell you that I don't regret it. I'm not defending my actions nor am I saying it was right...but I make no apologies for it.
When I returned from my trip, my boyfriend and I ended things after a fantastic fight in which he argued that it was my responsibility to keep him satisfied in the sack. You can basically work out in your own heads how well that went...did I mention this was at 2 am on a work day? The break up was amicable at first...then he plagued my life with lies he had spread about me. How supposedly I was gold digger and what have you. With his lack of maturity I figured this would happen...but I didn't think of him stupid to try and sell these lies to my own friends.
You can't make yourself love someone...and you definitely can't buy my love.
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Something To Remember (Jonathan)
Many have asked my opinion on long distance relationships and if it’s something one should pursue. Here’s my two cents…it’s very romantic and all, but this ain’t the renaissance. Unless someone moves to be closer to the other, I suggest cutting it short and count your losses before you get hurt.
Case and point, I got into a pseudo dating relation with a guy who was part Adonis, part Incredible Hulk. He was beautiful, and he knew he was beautiful, and I knew he was beautiful. He was very charming, very down to earth, and the manliest guy I know at the time. He was also very ill tempered, quick to bark, and was downright mean when he wants to be. A serious hindrance to why he would often go on a tirade is because we only communicated through e-mails and IMs. Yes, it was long distance, him stationed in Korea, me in Maryland. I tell you that there are not enough emoticons in the world that would convey the mood of words being typed out when you're trying to reason. There were miscommunications and plenty heaping of misunderstandings.
It wasn’t all bad. There were plenty of times when he made me feel very much needed and loved, but then there were plenty of times when I was left out for days without a word from him because of an argument (which I can tell you now was usually rooted from a misunderstanding). I cared about him so much that I couldn't just let him go, and it broke me to pieces when he shut me out. There was very little I could do, he was too far away, and perhaps he always was going to be.
I found out that he also had a bevy of admirers lined up, not just me, and even then I was stupid enough to still fight to have him for myself. Talk about pouring salt on the wound myself. I remember falling out of love when he went on another tirade and decided to freeze me out. This time however, I realized I was not only trying to build a relationship on a poor medium that doesn’t allow me to reach him, but that I was staying for the abuse as well. The bad definitely outweighed the good, so I summoned whatever self esteem I had left, and gave up.
You can’t build a relationship when one is absent part of the time. You’ll drive yourself crazy from worrying when you don’t hear from them. Your mind will play mean tricks on you and fill your head with doubt. You’ll want more than just words when you need encouragement. A text message doesn’t equate to the feeling of someone’s loving embrace.
Love will never survive this way.
Case and point, I got into a pseudo dating relation with a guy who was part Adonis, part Incredible Hulk. He was beautiful, and he knew he was beautiful, and I knew he was beautiful. He was very charming, very down to earth, and the manliest guy I know at the time. He was also very ill tempered, quick to bark, and was downright mean when he wants to be. A serious hindrance to why he would often go on a tirade is because we only communicated through e-mails and IMs. Yes, it was long distance, him stationed in Korea, me in Maryland. I tell you that there are not enough emoticons in the world that would convey the mood of words being typed out when you're trying to reason. There were miscommunications and plenty heaping of misunderstandings.
It wasn’t all bad. There were plenty of times when he made me feel very much needed and loved, but then there were plenty of times when I was left out for days without a word from him because of an argument (which I can tell you now was usually rooted from a misunderstanding). I cared about him so much that I couldn't just let him go, and it broke me to pieces when he shut me out. There was very little I could do, he was too far away, and perhaps he always was going to be.
I found out that he also had a bevy of admirers lined up, not just me, and even then I was stupid enough to still fight to have him for myself. Talk about pouring salt on the wound myself. I remember falling out of love when he went on another tirade and decided to freeze me out. This time however, I realized I was not only trying to build a relationship on a poor medium that doesn’t allow me to reach him, but that I was staying for the abuse as well. The bad definitely outweighed the good, so I summoned whatever self esteem I had left, and gave up.
You can’t build a relationship when one is absent part of the time. You’ll drive yourself crazy from worrying when you don’t hear from them. Your mind will play mean tricks on you and fill your head with doubt. You’ll want more than just words when you need encouragement. A text message doesn’t equate to the feeling of someone’s loving embrace.
Love will never survive this way.
Something To Remember (Luis)
Are you familiar with the story of Narcissus and Echo? Well here's the breakdown...Narcissus was an arrogant, attention whore who dies after falling in love with his own reflection. Echo is the sad sad little nymph who was so lovestruck with Narcissus that she followed him everywhere, repeating every word of affection he's lavishing on himself as if it were directed to her, until like him she wasted away doomed to repeat everything said out loud. What's the relevance of this tragic story? I was Echo. Although I didn't need my Narcissus to tell me what to say, I did it on my own accord.
I wanted this guy so badly that I became a siphon for all the little bits of false affection he'd give me. I come to realize he only did this because he thrives on the fanfare of attention I was showering him with. He wasn't in love with me, he was in love with the adoration. I was being strung along but I didn't care, if it felt that good being used by him then I was more than willing to be used up.
I came to my senses after a while (and after being slapped back to reality by my bff...several times might I add). And I finally figured that I would waste my time and other opportunities away if I don't stop campaigning for the love of a guy who was more in love with fandom than he ever would be with me.
(silver lining: Luis and I are now bffs, and I wouldn't have it any other way)
I wanted this guy so badly that I became a siphon for all the little bits of false affection he'd give me. I come to realize he only did this because he thrives on the fanfare of attention I was showering him with. He wasn't in love with me, he was in love with the adoration. I was being strung along but I didn't care, if it felt that good being used by him then I was more than willing to be used up.
I came to my senses after a while (and after being slapped back to reality by my bff...several times might I add). And I finally figured that I would waste my time and other opportunities away if I don't stop campaigning for the love of a guy who was more in love with fandom than he ever would be with me.
(silver lining: Luis and I are now bffs, and I wouldn't have it any other way)
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Something To Remember (Brett)
Prologue:
Fueled by a song posted on my bff’s recent blog, I was inspired to write, in chronological order, my world of dating. This will include the ex-factor, insight to the mistakes I’ve made, and confessions of the heart.
I’m hoping that through these series my small number of readers will be able to reflect on their past loves and see if they can relate to a certain degree. Or perhaps some will feel that they’re not the only one’s who have gone through the often harrowing experience of being broken hearted.
If nothing else, hopefully this will give all who reads “Something to Remember".
-B
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I was not prepared when I fell in love for the first time. Then again, nobody really is. The problem is that my inexperienced heart didn’t know how to direct my clueless mind as to what actions to take when someone has slowly lost interest in me.
At first it was hot and heavy, as most first connections go. Then like it happens sometimes one drifts away from the euphoria while the other immerses themselves deeper into it. The flags were raised, the horns were blown, the alarms went off, but rather than to face what was real in obvious light, I chose to ignore in favor of pretend. Well, not so much pretend, but more hoping in vain.
I made myself believe that I was in fact dating, when truth is it was merely a happenstance for him, and I was left to imagining. He wasn’t as in to me as he was in the beginning as I still was. He didn’t ask me to be his anybody; I made it so in my head. I figured that if I kept on with all the affection I was giving him, somehow he’ll come to and reciprocate. Figuring to salvage something from this whole experience, I went as far as to put up a front and spin the story to save face, my pride, and my poor heart.
All I did was humiliate myself in the end.
Fueled by a song posted on my bff’s recent blog, I was inspired to write, in chronological order, my world of dating. This will include the ex-factor, insight to the mistakes I’ve made, and confessions of the heart.
I’m hoping that through these series my small number of readers will be able to reflect on their past loves and see if they can relate to a certain degree. Or perhaps some will feel that they’re not the only one’s who have gone through the often harrowing experience of being broken hearted.
If nothing else, hopefully this will give all who reads “Something to Remember".
-B
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I was not prepared when I fell in love for the first time. Then again, nobody really is. The problem is that my inexperienced heart didn’t know how to direct my clueless mind as to what actions to take when someone has slowly lost interest in me.
At first it was hot and heavy, as most first connections go. Then like it happens sometimes one drifts away from the euphoria while the other immerses themselves deeper into it. The flags were raised, the horns were blown, the alarms went off, but rather than to face what was real in obvious light, I chose to ignore in favor of pretend. Well, not so much pretend, but more hoping in vain.
I made myself believe that I was in fact dating, when truth is it was merely a happenstance for him, and I was left to imagining. He wasn’t as in to me as he was in the beginning as I still was. He didn’t ask me to be his anybody; I made it so in my head. I figured that if I kept on with all the affection I was giving him, somehow he’ll come to and reciprocate. Figuring to salvage something from this whole experience, I went as far as to put up a front and spin the story to save face, my pride, and my poor heart.
All I did was humiliate myself in the end.
Saturday, August 9, 2008
A man dedicated himself...
to a craft that was his job. He took photographs of artists, musicians, and actors for various famous publications. And his work was great, in fact, it's world famous. However, according to a certain Dylan the man's "...been fooling himself with that picture stuff. He's a sidetracked songwriter." And I couldn't agree more.
Mark Seliger is world famous for his work in photography, but with the encouragement and help of famous friends he's met along the way while working as Chief Photographer of RollingStones, he began to realize that his skill in song writing and performing has been in latent state for far too long and was needed to be shared. Yes, his heart was in music, and for him it came much later but he's done it.
The relevance of this short biopic parallels the life of a certain friend who celebrates his birthday today. A man, who like most of us, is a slave to the 9-5 of our lives. Though he is amazing in what he does at work, he only truly shines on stage. A few people close to him know of this gift...and by serendipity he was "pushed" into sharing it with a lucky audience in a contest. There under the lights and above the roar of the crowd, he gets a taste of what it would be like to be what he's dreamed of becoming his whole life. Winning was only confirmation, at least in my opinion, that he's got what it takes if only he makes time to realize his hearts true desire.
The song I am sharing was written by Mark Selinger and performed by his own band Rusty Truck. I chose this song because I know my friend can appreciate it's brand of sound, and because I can see AND hear him singing songs like this, and DAMNIT you would be f*cking fantastic!!!
So to you, Robbie, on this day of your birth, I dedicate "Cold Ground".
Mark Seliger is world famous for his work in photography, but with the encouragement and help of famous friends he's met along the way while working as Chief Photographer of RollingStones, he began to realize that his skill in song writing and performing has been in latent state for far too long and was needed to be shared. Yes, his heart was in music, and for him it came much later but he's done it.
The relevance of this short biopic parallels the life of a certain friend who celebrates his birthday today. A man, who like most of us, is a slave to the 9-5 of our lives. Though he is amazing in what he does at work, he only truly shines on stage. A few people close to him know of this gift...and by serendipity he was "pushed" into sharing it with a lucky audience in a contest. There under the lights and above the roar of the crowd, he gets a taste of what it would be like to be what he's dreamed of becoming his whole life. Winning was only confirmation, at least in my opinion, that he's got what it takes if only he makes time to realize his hearts true desire.
The song I am sharing was written by Mark Selinger and performed by his own band Rusty Truck. I chose this song because I know my friend can appreciate it's brand of sound, and because I can see AND hear him singing songs like this, and DAMNIT you would be f*cking fantastic!!!
So to you, Robbie, on this day of your birth, I dedicate "Cold Ground".
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
After many years of hesitating...
I finally learned how not to!!! Certain situations in our lives call for drastic measures, and it's not the time to pussy-foot about!
I used to make mountains out of a mole hill. A perfect example would be asking a guy out. It's almost natural to be hesitant, but what's the worse thing that could happen...he says no? Would that really kill you? Trust that there are far more worse rejections in life, and you can be sure that there's plenty more of it as you go on living. Press on and move along! You make such a big production of the whole event you're not only wasting precious time, but you set yourself up for an even bigger disappointment.
Sure the rejection is a slap to the ol' ego, but remember that it takes guts to go after what you want and that counts for a lot! People gravitate towards potentials who are no nonsense. I for one don't like the timid. Life is about seizing the moment. It's not only there to be observed but to be lived! It's alright to be cautious, but to over analyze a situation and weigh the pros and cons can potentially kill the moment. So perhaps it'll be alright to jump even if just for once.
Wallowing about the past is also a common affliction that people suffer from. I'm an expert at that. But at some point even I came to the realization that the sooner I get over it, the sooner I can begin a new adventure. What good would it do me to keep kicking myself in the head for something that's already done and passed? It doesn't change anything. It's ok to recall the event that brought about the tragic outcome, but only if to learn from it! You set the tone and course of your life; only you can keep the record stuck on a bad groove on repeat.
My song of the moment is another old favorite (shocker) released in the US in 87 by the British jazz/sophisti-pop act Swing Out Sister from their debut album "It's Better to Travel". The song was written by the group when they were still a trio. It was No. 6 in the pop charts and was No. 1 in the adult contemporary charts in the US. The song even got a Grammy nod, and as a result has been closely associated with the group, and has become a staple on the adult contemporary and smooth jazz radio rotation. It's continuing popularity in Japan brought about the remix by Orange Lounge which was featured in Konami's 2006 Beatmania IIDX DistorteD release. The song is also featured in a SoftBank Mobile advertisement that features Cameron Diaz.
The song incorporates synth-work popular in the 80s, drum beats, and blaring brass. It's got an infectious rhythm and a catchy hook that changes key close to the end. The lyrics preaches about pursuing your goal in whatever means possible; push through adversities and that there's no better time than now to do what you need and want to do!
If you're tired of wondering what could've been and ready to face what could be, tired of watching others get all the fun you could be having, then "BREAKOUT"!
I used to make mountains out of a mole hill. A perfect example would be asking a guy out. It's almost natural to be hesitant, but what's the worse thing that could happen...he says no? Would that really kill you? Trust that there are far more worse rejections in life, and you can be sure that there's plenty more of it as you go on living. Press on and move along! You make such a big production of the whole event you're not only wasting precious time, but you set yourself up for an even bigger disappointment.
Sure the rejection is a slap to the ol' ego, but remember that it takes guts to go after what you want and that counts for a lot! People gravitate towards potentials who are no nonsense. I for one don't like the timid. Life is about seizing the moment. It's not only there to be observed but to be lived! It's alright to be cautious, but to over analyze a situation and weigh the pros and cons can potentially kill the moment. So perhaps it'll be alright to jump even if just for once.
Wallowing about the past is also a common affliction that people suffer from. I'm an expert at that. But at some point even I came to the realization that the sooner I get over it, the sooner I can begin a new adventure. What good would it do me to keep kicking myself in the head for something that's already done and passed? It doesn't change anything. It's ok to recall the event that brought about the tragic outcome, but only if to learn from it! You set the tone and course of your life; only you can keep the record stuck on a bad groove on repeat.
My song of the moment is another old favorite (shocker) released in the US in 87 by the British jazz/sophisti-pop act Swing Out Sister from their debut album "It's Better to Travel". The song was written by the group when they were still a trio. It was No. 6 in the pop charts and was No. 1 in the adult contemporary charts in the US. The song even got a Grammy nod, and as a result has been closely associated with the group, and has become a staple on the adult contemporary and smooth jazz radio rotation. It's continuing popularity in Japan brought about the remix by Orange Lounge which was featured in Konami's 2006 Beatmania IIDX DistorteD release. The song is also featured in a SoftBank Mobile advertisement that features Cameron Diaz.
The song incorporates synth-work popular in the 80s, drum beats, and blaring brass. It's got an infectious rhythm and a catchy hook that changes key close to the end. The lyrics preaches about pursuing your goal in whatever means possible; push through adversities and that there's no better time than now to do what you need and want to do!
If you're tired of wondering what could've been and ready to face what could be, tired of watching others get all the fun you could be having, then "BREAKOUT"!
Sunday, July 27, 2008
I wish sometimes...
that I could show you your strength that you never tap into. The kind of courage you have inside to do what you think is impossible. Mostly I wish you can believe that even though I'm so far away that I am always near you. That I am that voice in your head that's always whispering encouragements. That whatever you're going through will pass as it had passed for me, and come out of it whole as I have.
Here's an old favorite of ours from 2002-03 by Chantal Kreviazuk.
Remember, you're stronger than you give yourself credit...and that I am here if whenever you need that extra push. You and me..."In This Life".
Here's an old favorite of ours from 2002-03 by Chantal Kreviazuk.
Remember, you're stronger than you give yourself credit...and that I am here if whenever you need that extra push. You and me..."In This Life".
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Nothing can be as demoralizing...
than the feeling of utter failure. When you feel as if you've reached that lowest of lows, and getting up feels like a worthless effort. When everything has been taken away from you, not in an instant, but in intervals. As if waiting for you to catch your breath first before knocking it all out again. I had that moment.
In sequences I've lost my self respect and self love for something I had done to myself out of irresponsibility. My boyfriend at the time cheated on me, and hurt me, and left me at a time when I needed someone to care the most. And I know it's pathetic, but I even asked him back knowing I didn't even trust him. When you feel damaged, you'll cling on to anyone who'd take you. I was alienated by my long time friends who I was living with when I became financially unstable, one even physically attacked me. I was so broke that I went to sleep at night with no food in my stomach, and no breakfast in the morning. And all that time I didn't know how to ask help from my family (to include Cam, Luis, and Rob who were my family as well) because my pride wouldn't allow me to. The one time I had asked for help was when I ended up in the hospital for an abscess which would've killed me had I not gotten the surgery. The most I got from them were phone calls...I never had a visit. To tell you the truth I was deeply hurt by it because I had never felt more alone in my life than at that moment. I was so scared before the surgery, I thought to myself that I wasn't even going to see any of them if by chance I didn't make it. I sucked it up, and had to understand. They all have their own lives to deal with, and at the time all of our lives were very complicated that it was all that consumed us. My friend Van who barely knew me was with me through the whole ordeal. He took me to the hospital and even provided for me a Harry Potter book and cab fare to get home since he had to go to work. As I took that cab ride home, I realized that my life in a nutshell was shit.
As I contemplated my shitty life in bed one evening, it felt as if my room got darker and darker. The more the depression set in, the harder it was to see anything clearly, may it be thoughts or physical objects. Just then the moon came into view, and it shone down through my window. Desperate, I opened my window to let the night air in and I began to pray. I cried as I talked of how I was struggling, and how hopeless I felt. I prayed for help; for a chance to get myself up and off this cycle of pain and bad decisions. I fell asleep right there on my window sill exhausted, with all my demons quiet and the darkness at bay.
I woke up that morning with a sense of renewed faith in myself. I was given a clear head to realize that the only person who could get me out of this was me, and that if I ever were to make my life better again I had to take drastic action. I couldn't rely on anyone else because we are in charge of our life, no one else runs it for us. Two days after that faithful evening, I got a call from a good friend in Boston who I had kept in touch with for years. I told him everything that's been going on in my life, and after some coaxing I accepted his offer to help me get me back on track. If there ever was a reset button in life, this was it, at least for me. I made the ultimate sacrifice of leaving my wonderful and loving DC Family because after the hospital incident, I realized that my friends could only help me so much before I have to actually do things for myself. I can't always rely on them to be there because certain situations will prevent them from doing so, and at that point in time they couldn't help me, I had to help me. I wanted to be with them, but I needed to go to start over. Wants and needs are two different things.
As I made my travel to Boston and so on in my life, I listen to this song for strength, hope, and inspiration. It's a song penned and performed by Tina Arena, and was released in 97 along with 5 singles and various other songs written by her in the album "In Deep" with the exception of "I Want to Know What Love Is". This song was never released in the US, but it reached 13 in the Australian charts where Tina Arena is from. The music is heavily influenced by Latin/Spanish beats and rhythm, and was further complimented when they've released a Spanish album version for it's Mexico and Argentina release. The song talks about liberation and freedom from what was left behind.
That experience has thought me well. To keep faith in myself and to love myself infinitely, because all I have is myself in the end, and I'm not much use to anyone if I'm broken. I also learned to surround myself with good people, but never to rely on them too much as to keep myself from misdirected disappointments if they fall short of my expectations. I am proof that we can overcome anything, and I mean ANYTHING, that life throws at us. Because as you can see, I am ok, and "Now I Can Dance".
In sequences I've lost my self respect and self love for something I had done to myself out of irresponsibility. My boyfriend at the time cheated on me, and hurt me, and left me at a time when I needed someone to care the most. And I know it's pathetic, but I even asked him back knowing I didn't even trust him. When you feel damaged, you'll cling on to anyone who'd take you. I was alienated by my long time friends who I was living with when I became financially unstable, one even physically attacked me. I was so broke that I went to sleep at night with no food in my stomach, and no breakfast in the morning. And all that time I didn't know how to ask help from my family (to include Cam, Luis, and Rob who were my family as well) because my pride wouldn't allow me to. The one time I had asked for help was when I ended up in the hospital for an abscess which would've killed me had I not gotten the surgery. The most I got from them were phone calls...I never had a visit. To tell you the truth I was deeply hurt by it because I had never felt more alone in my life than at that moment. I was so scared before the surgery, I thought to myself that I wasn't even going to see any of them if by chance I didn't make it. I sucked it up, and had to understand. They all have their own lives to deal with, and at the time all of our lives were very complicated that it was all that consumed us. My friend Van who barely knew me was with me through the whole ordeal. He took me to the hospital and even provided for me a Harry Potter book and cab fare to get home since he had to go to work. As I took that cab ride home, I realized that my life in a nutshell was shit.
As I contemplated my shitty life in bed one evening, it felt as if my room got darker and darker. The more the depression set in, the harder it was to see anything clearly, may it be thoughts or physical objects. Just then the moon came into view, and it shone down through my window. Desperate, I opened my window to let the night air in and I began to pray. I cried as I talked of how I was struggling, and how hopeless I felt. I prayed for help; for a chance to get myself up and off this cycle of pain and bad decisions. I fell asleep right there on my window sill exhausted, with all my demons quiet and the darkness at bay.
I woke up that morning with a sense of renewed faith in myself. I was given a clear head to realize that the only person who could get me out of this was me, and that if I ever were to make my life better again I had to take drastic action. I couldn't rely on anyone else because we are in charge of our life, no one else runs it for us. Two days after that faithful evening, I got a call from a good friend in Boston who I had kept in touch with for years. I told him everything that's been going on in my life, and after some coaxing I accepted his offer to help me get me back on track. If there ever was a reset button in life, this was it, at least for me. I made the ultimate sacrifice of leaving my wonderful and loving DC Family because after the hospital incident, I realized that my friends could only help me so much before I have to actually do things for myself. I can't always rely on them to be there because certain situations will prevent them from doing so, and at that point in time they couldn't help me, I had to help me. I wanted to be with them, but I needed to go to start over. Wants and needs are two different things.
As I made my travel to Boston and so on in my life, I listen to this song for strength, hope, and inspiration. It's a song penned and performed by Tina Arena, and was released in 97 along with 5 singles and various other songs written by her in the album "In Deep" with the exception of "I Want to Know What Love Is". This song was never released in the US, but it reached 13 in the Australian charts where Tina Arena is from. The music is heavily influenced by Latin/Spanish beats and rhythm, and was further complimented when they've released a Spanish album version for it's Mexico and Argentina release. The song talks about liberation and freedom from what was left behind.
That experience has thought me well. To keep faith in myself and to love myself infinitely, because all I have is myself in the end, and I'm not much use to anyone if I'm broken. I also learned to surround myself with good people, but never to rely on them too much as to keep myself from misdirected disappointments if they fall short of my expectations. I am proof that we can overcome anything, and I mean ANYTHING, that life throws at us. Because as you can see, I am ok, and "Now I Can Dance".
Monday, July 14, 2008
One of my favorite things to say...
is "I hate my life!"
Not that there's any real validity to the statement being that I DO like living, and that my life in particular isn't as bad as I portray it. It's more of a quote I like to say in reference to a bad day, a bad moment, or a form of comic relief among close friends, most especially Tuffie. And after reading his latest blog, it's safe to say he's chanting this quote as we speak.
To ease the blow of a bad weekend, I propose this song by the lovely Miss Des'ree released in 98 which was a huge hit in Europe and garnered her the BRIT Award in 99 for the Best Female Solo Artist category. In contrast, she was voted in 07 as worst pop lyricist of all time for the same song according to a BBC Radio poll, which I couldn't disagree more (apparently these people haven't paid particular attention to the lyrics of Band Aid's Christmas song "Do they Know It's Christmas?", eh Diarist?).
The Calypso Jazz upbeat song isn't lyrically genius, but more of a simple telling of one's experiences and confessions. I like it cause it's fun and it makes light of the subject, that we're in charge of whatever outcome there is for every action that we make and the particular risks that we take. So to Tuffie, sorry bout work sucking infinitely hard this past weekend (truly I am), but like we've always known, that's "Life".
Not that there's any real validity to the statement being that I DO like living, and that my life in particular isn't as bad as I portray it. It's more of a quote I like to say in reference to a bad day, a bad moment, or a form of comic relief among close friends, most especially Tuffie. And after reading his latest blog, it's safe to say he's chanting this quote as we speak.
To ease the blow of a bad weekend, I propose this song by the lovely Miss Des'ree released in 98 which was a huge hit in Europe and garnered her the BRIT Award in 99 for the Best Female Solo Artist category. In contrast, she was voted in 07 as worst pop lyricist of all time for the same song according to a BBC Radio poll, which I couldn't disagree more (apparently these people haven't paid particular attention to the lyrics of Band Aid's Christmas song "Do they Know It's Christmas?", eh Diarist?).
The Calypso Jazz upbeat song isn't lyrically genius, but more of a simple telling of one's experiences and confessions. I like it cause it's fun and it makes light of the subject, that we're in charge of whatever outcome there is for every action that we make and the particular risks that we take. So to Tuffie, sorry bout work sucking infinitely hard this past weekend (truly I am), but like we've always known, that's "Life".
Thursday, July 3, 2008
I wonder if...
there's any truth to being gay as some kind of a trend. With all these actors and musicians coming out and not having any real backlash other than instant upgrade in fame one would think so. Along with the fashionable men or metrosexuals growing in fast numbers now that society has accepted such a term for a more hygienic and snappy dressed man to an almost effeminate proportion.
One could also hope that at some point it won't only be kissing girls that would be a common trend among drunk heteros at bars and clubs. Wouldn't it just be crazy if one day men follow suit? Perhaps this is more wishful thinking than anything. Women do have a sexual ambiguity to them that enables them to partake in such acts without the consequential jeers from their peers because what man would refuse to see such a thing? Not only would their gal pals join in, but the opposite sex would chant them on in a cromagnon-esque styled hoorah.
The song this week breaches on the subject slightly from two sides. One is about what we just talked about (gay trend), and the other is pure sexual curiosity storytelling. Katy Perry reminds me of KT Tunstall, only infinitely more fun! She first gained notoriety for her song "Ur So Gay" (which is an absolute genius of a song that pokes fun at metrosexual men). On April 29, 2008, Katy Perry released her first official single from One of the Boys on the iTunes Store. The song was co-written with Dr. Luke, Max Martin and Cathy Dennis and debuted on the Billboard Hot 100 at #76, climbing to #1 as of June 25, 2008. It has peaked on iTunes Top 100 at #1, as of June 3, 2008.
The music video for the song was released on May 21, 2008 on MySpace. The song has generated controversy due to its popularity with children and its depiction of sexuality, homosexuality, and/or promiscuity, though as Slant Magazine concludes, the song, "isn't problematic because it promotes homosexuality, but because its appropriation of the gay lifestyle exists for the sole purpose of garnering attention—both from Perry's boyfriend and her audience."
As far as the video becoming popular with kids, as long as what they're getting from it is that being gay is ok, and that sexual curiosity is normal, I have no qualms or problems with it. But then you get these parents who would complain about the contents being featured on Myspace, when they should really ask themselves whether or not they're even doing a good job being parents letting their underage kids wander around Myspace, supervised or not!
Do you agree with Slant that perhaps this "gay trend" is being used not as a way to give us more exposure (we're here, we're queer, get used to it), but rather just as another tool for self gain from people who would otherwise be nobody's for lack of a better imagination and inventiveness? Makes you think about the women we talked about earlier who snog each other at the clubs and scream, "I Kissed a Girl"
One could also hope that at some point it won't only be kissing girls that would be a common trend among drunk heteros at bars and clubs. Wouldn't it just be crazy if one day men follow suit? Perhaps this is more wishful thinking than anything. Women do have a sexual ambiguity to them that enables them to partake in such acts without the consequential jeers from their peers because what man would refuse to see such a thing? Not only would their gal pals join in, but the opposite sex would chant them on in a cromagnon-esque styled hoorah.
The song this week breaches on the subject slightly from two sides. One is about what we just talked about (gay trend), and the other is pure sexual curiosity storytelling. Katy Perry reminds me of KT Tunstall, only infinitely more fun! She first gained notoriety for her song "Ur So Gay" (which is an absolute genius of a song that pokes fun at metrosexual men). On April 29, 2008, Katy Perry released her first official single from One of the Boys on the iTunes Store. The song was co-written with Dr. Luke, Max Martin and Cathy Dennis and debuted on the Billboard Hot 100 at #76, climbing to #1 as of June 25, 2008. It has peaked on iTunes Top 100 at #1, as of June 3, 2008.
The music video for the song was released on May 21, 2008 on MySpace. The song has generated controversy due to its popularity with children and its depiction of sexuality, homosexuality, and/or promiscuity, though as Slant Magazine concludes, the song, "isn't problematic because it promotes homosexuality, but because its appropriation of the gay lifestyle exists for the sole purpose of garnering attention—both from Perry's boyfriend and her audience."
As far as the video becoming popular with kids, as long as what they're getting from it is that being gay is ok, and that sexual curiosity is normal, I have no qualms or problems with it. But then you get these parents who would complain about the contents being featured on Myspace, when they should really ask themselves whether or not they're even doing a good job being parents letting their underage kids wander around Myspace, supervised or not!
Do you agree with Slant that perhaps this "gay trend" is being used not as a way to give us more exposure (we're here, we're queer, get used to it), but rather just as another tool for self gain from people who would otherwise be nobody's for lack of a better imagination and inventiveness? Makes you think about the women we talked about earlier who snog each other at the clubs and scream, "I Kissed a Girl"
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
I'm not too sure...
how many of you (my readers that is) know that I am a member of the Seattle Men's Chorus, cause if you didn't, now you know. And were not just your typical gay chorus either.
Our chorus is having a concert this weekend called "Comedy Tonight" which is chock full of hilarity, musical numbers, and the answer to the question "What's short for sex?"...Leslie Jordan. Yes, Mr. Beverly Leslie himself of Will and Grace fame will be joining us on these festive Pride evenings.
I often hear people comment that they disdain gay choruses because of their "camp" tendencies. Now true that we do have a lot of colorful and campy songs, but for the most part it is carried by well rehearsed and talented people. A great example of this talent I will share with you as an exclusive since this is a recording of one of our rehearsals (most likely it'll be pulled cause of copyright infringements and blah blah). It's not a song of humor, but a song that reminds people of the beauty that is the community chorus, and that we are serious professionals!
In this live rehearsal recording, we sang with the Seattle Women's Chorus what is considered a canonical American art song written originally as a poem by Pulitzer Prize winner James Rufus Agee in his collective book of poems "Permit Me Voyage" and set to music in 1938 Samuel Barber. The one we sang was a choral arrangement by Barber that places the melody in canon between the soprano and tenor parts. This is a more difficult piece for choir than the original solo song which was intended for a Baritone alone as it was premiered by the musician himself.
When singing, I could only hear myself and the two next to me. I didn't hear the other parts till our director made the Alto women open up (and blow everyone else away) so we can hear the blend, and I swear to you I couldn't sing after. I was so deeply moved by the beauty of the range and piece that it took me a while to get myself together to proceed. The song will literally take your breath away. As if this song is bringing down the angels themselves (cue beautiful anime angels descending upon gay folks).
If you like movie soundtracks with heavenly voices and classical music then you'll surely enjoy this piece, if not bring tears to your eyes. So if the night skies are clear, open up your windows, enjoy a glass of merlot, and gaze the stars, "Sure on this Shining Night".
Our chorus is having a concert this weekend called "Comedy Tonight" which is chock full of hilarity, musical numbers, and the answer to the question "What's short for sex?"...Leslie Jordan. Yes, Mr. Beverly Leslie himself of Will and Grace fame will be joining us on these festive Pride evenings.
I often hear people comment that they disdain gay choruses because of their "camp" tendencies. Now true that we do have a lot of colorful and campy songs, but for the most part it is carried by well rehearsed and talented people. A great example of this talent I will share with you as an exclusive since this is a recording of one of our rehearsals (most likely it'll be pulled cause of copyright infringements and blah blah). It's not a song of humor, but a song that reminds people of the beauty that is the community chorus, and that we are serious professionals!
In this live rehearsal recording, we sang with the Seattle Women's Chorus what is considered a canonical American art song written originally as a poem by Pulitzer Prize winner James Rufus Agee in his collective book of poems "Permit Me Voyage" and set to music in 1938 Samuel Barber. The one we sang was a choral arrangement by Barber that places the melody in canon between the soprano and tenor parts. This is a more difficult piece for choir than the original solo song which was intended for a Baritone alone as it was premiered by the musician himself.
When singing, I could only hear myself and the two next to me. I didn't hear the other parts till our director made the Alto women open up (and blow everyone else away) so we can hear the blend, and I swear to you I couldn't sing after. I was so deeply moved by the beauty of the range and piece that it took me a while to get myself together to proceed. The song will literally take your breath away. As if this song is bringing down the angels themselves (cue beautiful anime angels descending upon gay folks).
If you like movie soundtracks with heavenly voices and classical music then you'll surely enjoy this piece, if not bring tears to your eyes. So if the night skies are clear, open up your windows, enjoy a glass of merlot, and gaze the stars, "Sure on this Shining Night".
Thursday, June 19, 2008
There used to be a time...
when I thought of myself as one day becoming a parent. My life plan back in high school was to be in a successful profession and have kids by the time I was 28. I am now 28 and no where near that goal, and perhaps never will be as far as children go.
My BBF and I used to talk about us having kids who we'd go to PTA meetings for, shop clothes for, drive around in matching "Soccer mom" type lux SUVs, and watch their recitals. His kid would play the violin, while mine would play the piano or sing. They'd make us proud.
The way my life's been going I know that having a kid is not something I should even be contemplating. I'm now just getting my finances in shape, only now in a relationship that's gone longer than a couple of months, and barely have enough time for myself with all the social engagements I have to keep up with.
I recently listened to this song by the extraordinary Regina Carter that I want to share with you. My love of instrumentals bloomed when Cameron introduced me to Ms. Vanessa Mae. The song was from her album Paganini-After a Dream and was written back in 1887 by French composer Gabriel Fauré. What Ms. Mae did with electronica/classical fusion, Ms. Carter generally did the same but with jazz influences instead. Most Jazz fusions I will admit irritate the hell out of me with their over-exaggerated way of embellishments that's suppose to convey feelings that to me just ends up a hot mess. This song fortunately, is not one of those. It's emotions are easily achieved and felt. The classic song comes to life with a haunting charm to it, that even when the song picks up tempo, the violin sounds melancholy, almost sad. I feel as if this song suits my feelings about my life as of right now. Age 28, somewhat happy, upbeat and frustrated, with hints of disappointments over goals and dreams unattained.
Wherever this child of mine may be, in some cosmic waiting room somewhere, whether or not he or she will ever come to be, a lullaby for you called "Pavane".
My BBF and I used to talk about us having kids who we'd go to PTA meetings for, shop clothes for, drive around in matching "Soccer mom" type lux SUVs, and watch their recitals. His kid would play the violin, while mine would play the piano or sing. They'd make us proud.
The way my life's been going I know that having a kid is not something I should even be contemplating. I'm now just getting my finances in shape, only now in a relationship that's gone longer than a couple of months, and barely have enough time for myself with all the social engagements I have to keep up with.
I recently listened to this song by the extraordinary Regina Carter that I want to share with you. My love of instrumentals bloomed when Cameron introduced me to Ms. Vanessa Mae. The song was from her album Paganini-After a Dream and was written back in 1887 by French composer Gabriel Fauré. What Ms. Mae did with electronica/classical fusion, Ms. Carter generally did the same but with jazz influences instead. Most Jazz fusions I will admit irritate the hell out of me with their over-exaggerated way of embellishments that's suppose to convey feelings that to me just ends up a hot mess. This song fortunately, is not one of those. It's emotions are easily achieved and felt. The classic song comes to life with a haunting charm to it, that even when the song picks up tempo, the violin sounds melancholy, almost sad. I feel as if this song suits my feelings about my life as of right now. Age 28, somewhat happy, upbeat and frustrated, with hints of disappointments over goals and dreams unattained.
Wherever this child of mine may be, in some cosmic waiting room somewhere, whether or not he or she will ever come to be, a lullaby for you called "Pavane".
Friday, June 13, 2008
Vanity has got to be...
my most favorite sin of all! Up there, right before gluttony cause this boy can eat! (shut it, Tuffie, this isn't open for commentary)
My vanity however is all internalized. I believe that whatever is within will reflect eventually on the outside. Meaning if you see yourself as beautiful and love yourself unconditionally, it will show on the outside as well.
This blog is about the songs that makes me feel good. Songs that I have on my iPod or car that gives me good vibes through out the day.
When I first get up in the morning, I scratch my underwear down from whatever nether regions it has reached, smack my mouth a few times, look at myself in the mirror and say, "Good morning sunshine!" It's always pleasant to see one's self in the morning before your eyes have had time to really wake up and focus in on that pimple that seem to have grown over night, or the fact that your lips are chapped like crazy. As I begin my routine I listen to this wonderful song by K.T. Tunstall released in 05 as her third single to her debut album "Eye to the Telescope". It's refreshing, it has a nice message, and upbeat enough as to not be so abrasive to the ears so early in the morning. You'll feel just like one of the models from The Devil Wears Prada where this song was featured, and just like them you'll be saying "Suddenly I See".
After you've gotten ready for work, step out into the sunlight (or rain clouds as it is here in Seattle) hop into your car, ride metro, or just strut yourself to this song by Jet released in 03 from their "Get Born" album. It's upbeat, and gets the blood flowing. Imagine yourself being oogled at and given stolen glances as you act oblivious to the fact that many are asking "Are You Gonna Be My Girl".
And as the work day ends you find yourself migrating to the nearest gym, as many health conscious gay men do, to try and squeeze in some all too important body sculpting exercise and weight lifting. As you finish off your whole set with a stroll on the elliptical machine, try this song for size originally released by Elvis back in 69 for his last feature film "Change of Habit". The song was refreshed by the wonderful Paul Oakenfold for an 03 release which got considerable airplay as the token song for one of Toyota's ads. The song is within a good tempo to pace yourself on, and as you clench the buttocks for all to see, there will be considerable "Rubberneckin'" (p.s. and just for you, I'm placing two versions for you to chose to stride to, with the first one being the Oakenfold mix)
You end the day and begin the night as you prepare yourself for a night of gal abashing around with friends. Tossing around many of your outfits amongst each other to see which one will be the one for the evening. You pass around the booze and shots as a pre-game, glancing at the mirror as you fix yourself up, and blasting this on the radio by the fab and glam Republica released back in 96. The song was their biggest hit to date. Check yourself once more in the mirror, straighten out that shirt, check out your ass and proclaim to the rest of the hoochies outside that baby, I'm "Ready to Go" (British Version)
My vanity however is all internalized. I believe that whatever is within will reflect eventually on the outside. Meaning if you see yourself as beautiful and love yourself unconditionally, it will show on the outside as well.
This blog is about the songs that makes me feel good. Songs that I have on my iPod or car that gives me good vibes through out the day.
When I first get up in the morning, I scratch my underwear down from whatever nether regions it has reached, smack my mouth a few times, look at myself in the mirror and say, "Good morning sunshine!" It's always pleasant to see one's self in the morning before your eyes have had time to really wake up and focus in on that pimple that seem to have grown over night, or the fact that your lips are chapped like crazy. As I begin my routine I listen to this wonderful song by K.T. Tunstall released in 05 as her third single to her debut album "Eye to the Telescope". It's refreshing, it has a nice message, and upbeat enough as to not be so abrasive to the ears so early in the morning. You'll feel just like one of the models from The Devil Wears Prada where this song was featured, and just like them you'll be saying "Suddenly I See".
After you've gotten ready for work, step out into the sunlight (or rain clouds as it is here in Seattle) hop into your car, ride metro, or just strut yourself to this song by Jet released in 03 from their "Get Born" album. It's upbeat, and gets the blood flowing. Imagine yourself being oogled at and given stolen glances as you act oblivious to the fact that many are asking "Are You Gonna Be My Girl".
And as the work day ends you find yourself migrating to the nearest gym, as many health conscious gay men do, to try and squeeze in some all too important body sculpting exercise and weight lifting. As you finish off your whole set with a stroll on the elliptical machine, try this song for size originally released by Elvis back in 69 for his last feature film "Change of Habit". The song was refreshed by the wonderful Paul Oakenfold for an 03 release which got considerable airplay as the token song for one of Toyota's ads. The song is within a good tempo to pace yourself on, and as you clench the buttocks for all to see, there will be considerable "Rubberneckin'" (p.s. and just for you, I'm placing two versions for you to chose to stride to, with the first one being the Oakenfold mix)
You end the day and begin the night as you prepare yourself for a night of gal abashing around with friends. Tossing around many of your outfits amongst each other to see which one will be the one for the evening. You pass around the booze and shots as a pre-game, glancing at the mirror as you fix yourself up, and blasting this on the radio by the fab and glam Republica released back in 96. The song was their biggest hit to date. Check yourself once more in the mirror, straighten out that shirt, check out your ass and proclaim to the rest of the hoochies outside that baby, I'm "Ready to Go" (British Version)
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
So I'm totally...
psyched that my best friend Tuffie finally watched "Sex and the City". I told him that if nothing else it would definitely be an experience for him. And sure enough it was.
There were several themes in the movie, but to me the main one was forgiveness.
Forgiving, in my opinion, is a form of a gift that one could bestow on someone else. Just like love, forgiveness is something you never just give away easily and to just anyone. Forgiveness has a lot of weight, importance, and power. It can relieve someone of pain and misery, it can also mend relationships and bridge gaps between adversaries.
Transgressions are of varying degrees that require specific kinds of forgiveness. There's the forgiveness that erases everything, and there's the kind that we give that never forgets. The latter of the two is considered the consolation prize, cause let's face it, when significant damage is done there's no way to repair it, and there's no win win situation at hand. We count our loses, and if we manage to forgive, then we can absolve ourselves of pain, guilt, and resentment.
The song I have chosen was used in the trailer for the movie, and if you were paying good enough attention, played right after Miranda and Steve's session with their counselor. It was the tune that played as Miranda and Carrie talked in the park. The song was written by Don Henley, Mike Campbell, and J. D. Souther and was released in 1990 as part of Don Henley's third solo album "The End of Innocence". Don Henley is a member of the famed country/rock band The Eagles. The song is lyrically beautiful, poignant, and touches on the basic and most human of emotions that we go through as far as reasons and absolution. India.Aire recorded a cover version that was the one used for the film. It's one of the few times when a cover actually gave justice to such a wonderful piece. She released it along with a few other great songs in 2006 for her "Testimony: Vol 1, Life & Relationship". My cousin gave me this album back in 06 and have always loved this version.
I've gone through times in my life where I needed forgiveness and have given it as well. I'm making a lot of apologies to myself, and there's one big one that I've yet to accept. There are times when I thought I had forgiven, when in fact I hadn't just because the betrayal was too much to just be dismissed. This is what makes us human. We don't forgive sometimes cause in our hearts we know it would just be a lie. I couldn't do it, even as a consolation prize.
Let us meditate on these thoughts, and listen closely to India.Aire as she brings us to "The Heart of the Matter".
There were several themes in the movie, but to me the main one was forgiveness.
Forgiving, in my opinion, is a form of a gift that one could bestow on someone else. Just like love, forgiveness is something you never just give away easily and to just anyone. Forgiveness has a lot of weight, importance, and power. It can relieve someone of pain and misery, it can also mend relationships and bridge gaps between adversaries.
Transgressions are of varying degrees that require specific kinds of forgiveness. There's the forgiveness that erases everything, and there's the kind that we give that never forgets. The latter of the two is considered the consolation prize, cause let's face it, when significant damage is done there's no way to repair it, and there's no win win situation at hand. We count our loses, and if we manage to forgive, then we can absolve ourselves of pain, guilt, and resentment.
The song I have chosen was used in the trailer for the movie, and if you were paying good enough attention, played right after Miranda and Steve's session with their counselor. It was the tune that played as Miranda and Carrie talked in the park. The song was written by Don Henley, Mike Campbell, and J. D. Souther and was released in 1990 as part of Don Henley's third solo album "The End of Innocence". Don Henley is a member of the famed country/rock band The Eagles. The song is lyrically beautiful, poignant, and touches on the basic and most human of emotions that we go through as far as reasons and absolution. India.Aire recorded a cover version that was the one used for the film. It's one of the few times when a cover actually gave justice to such a wonderful piece. She released it along with a few other great songs in 2006 for her "Testimony: Vol 1, Life & Relationship". My cousin gave me this album back in 06 and have always loved this version.
I've gone through times in my life where I needed forgiveness and have given it as well. I'm making a lot of apologies to myself, and there's one big one that I've yet to accept. There are times when I thought I had forgiven, when in fact I hadn't just because the betrayal was too much to just be dismissed. This is what makes us human. We don't forgive sometimes cause in our hearts we know it would just be a lie. I couldn't do it, even as a consolation prize.
Let us meditate on these thoughts, and listen closely to India.Aire as she brings us to "The Heart of the Matter".
Monday, June 9, 2008
Love is...
ever a prevailing mystery.
Recently, I had my mom watch John and I's new favorite flick "Across the Universe".
I knew my mother would like it because she's familiar with all of their songs and so was my father. This was the kind of music they grew up with, and the kind of songs they fell in love to. If you're not at all familiar with The Beatles, their songs, or 60's history, then you will probably not get much of the allusions and innuendos in the songs. Like the fact that all of the characters' names are based on the Beatles' songs.
Anyway, getting back on subject, a personal favorite of mine in the whole songbook is the same favorite of my mom's. The song evokes the feelings of someone who's heart has been broken before and is hoping for the real thing before she let's herself fall for this new love. It's a common fear that most people have when faced with the possibility of being in a new relationship. There's insufficient words to describe what heartbreak feels like, but the same can be said about the excitement that a new love brings.
The song appeared in the UK album "A Hard Day's Night" and the US compilation "Something New" back in 1964. It was written primarily by John Lennon with help from Paul McCartney. The song is notable for its unusual structure, which includes an unrepeated introductory section followed by sequential verse sections, each having a slightly expanded form, but with no obvious chorus or bridge section. The song also features a two-part harmony, sung by Lennon and McCartney together into a single microphone at their suggestion, and intricate chord changes. There is a version of this song where you can hear McCartney's voice crack (Love Songs album)used in the stereo version, but in the mono version of the song he strains but doesn't crack. The mistake in making the "cracked" version for the box set and consequently "master set" was completely an archivist's error when placing the masters back into the Capitol Records' vault. There are several renditions of the song out, most notably the one recently done by Maroon Five, one by Sammy Kershaw, and a merengue version by Caña Brava. The one I'm using for this blog is heard in the movie performed by one of the lead stars in the film and Marilyn Manson's girlfriend, Evan Rachel Wood of "Thirteen" fame. I chose her version aside from the obvious reference to the movie, because not only can you hear the raw emotion in her voice when she sings it, but if chance you saw her singing in the film you couldn't help but sympathize with her predicament. The arrangement was wonderfully simple and uncluttered in it's acoustic style.
I can relate to the song whole-heartedly because I've been the kind who's fallen a few times and is in constant fear of messing up and be on the losing end, that or be cheated by love. Regardless of all these cautions and apprehensions, I manage to bring my guard down and let myself just be lost in the embrace and affections of my beau John. And as for mom, she gets teary hearing the song for she believes that dad had never let her down when she decided to be his; for he had loved her unfailingly and completely.
So dedicated to love and my parents, here's "If I Fell".
Recently, I had my mom watch John and I's new favorite flick "Across the Universe".
I knew my mother would like it because she's familiar with all of their songs and so was my father. This was the kind of music they grew up with, and the kind of songs they fell in love to. If you're not at all familiar with The Beatles, their songs, or 60's history, then you will probably not get much of the allusions and innuendos in the songs. Like the fact that all of the characters' names are based on the Beatles' songs.
Anyway, getting back on subject, a personal favorite of mine in the whole songbook is the same favorite of my mom's. The song evokes the feelings of someone who's heart has been broken before and is hoping for the real thing before she let's herself fall for this new love. It's a common fear that most people have when faced with the possibility of being in a new relationship. There's insufficient words to describe what heartbreak feels like, but the same can be said about the excitement that a new love brings.
The song appeared in the UK album "A Hard Day's Night" and the US compilation "Something New" back in 1964. It was written primarily by John Lennon with help from Paul McCartney. The song is notable for its unusual structure, which includes an unrepeated introductory section followed by sequential verse sections, each having a slightly expanded form, but with no obvious chorus or bridge section. The song also features a two-part harmony, sung by Lennon and McCartney together into a single microphone at their suggestion, and intricate chord changes. There is a version of this song where you can hear McCartney's voice crack (Love Songs album)used in the stereo version, but in the mono version of the song he strains but doesn't crack. The mistake in making the "cracked" version for the box set and consequently "master set" was completely an archivist's error when placing the masters back into the Capitol Records' vault. There are several renditions of the song out, most notably the one recently done by Maroon Five, one by Sammy Kershaw, and a merengue version by Caña Brava. The one I'm using for this blog is heard in the movie performed by one of the lead stars in the film and Marilyn Manson's girlfriend, Evan Rachel Wood of "Thirteen" fame. I chose her version aside from the obvious reference to the movie, because not only can you hear the raw emotion in her voice when she sings it, but if chance you saw her singing in the film you couldn't help but sympathize with her predicament. The arrangement was wonderfully simple and uncluttered in it's acoustic style.
I can relate to the song whole-heartedly because I've been the kind who's fallen a few times and is in constant fear of messing up and be on the losing end, that or be cheated by love. Regardless of all these cautions and apprehensions, I manage to bring my guard down and let myself just be lost in the embrace and affections of my beau John. And as for mom, she gets teary hearing the song for she believes that dad had never let her down when she decided to be his; for he had loved her unfailingly and completely.
So dedicated to love and my parents, here's "If I Fell".
Friday, May 30, 2008
Unrequited Love Pt 5
Disclaimer: And now the conclusion, if you're now just joining start here.
Warning: Adult content
"The way I'm loving you
Oh, what can I do
Insatiable, for you
My love for you insatiable"
Just when both were bout to reach the promise land of explosive ecstasy, his phone rings. He would've been able to ignore it had his ring tone not been set to play "Highway to Hell", and seeing that to the Catholic church what he was doing would constitute a one way ticket to such a place he was knocked off cloud nine. He grabs his cell phone with his free hand and searched for the ignore button . By the time he looks back at the computer all he sees is a hand waving goodbye. Before he could type in a question or a plea, his guest was already gone, along with his hard-on. There's much to be said about not "finishing", and most if it came out in curses. His phone beeps and alerts him of a voice mail. He listens to it with about as much enthusiasm as one would have anticipating a root canal. Under the sounds of thumping music he could hear his friend asking him to come to the second floor of the club and rescue him from his predicament. Hanging around the guy he's desperately in to yet sees him as nothing more than just another infatuated friend. Our fourth can hear the frustration and sadness in his voice. It's the second time he'd had to hear it. The first time was earlier this evening at the jazz club. Maybe never knowing his mystery man is a form of penance for all of this guilt. Having worn the shoes of one that victimizes, he turns a new leaf and decides to play for the other team and makes haste to save his friend.
In another part of town, we find our first person shutting down his computer after a round of guilty pleasure on the net. He's managed to keep himself unknown to his cyber pal, fearing that to reveal himself would only subject him to either ridicule, or speculations of obsessive behavior. Maybe he is obsessed, tragic as that may sound he will openly admit to that. And what he's doing may perhaps be shady, but he will rob this guy of stolen affections, even if it is through deception. Love's never always pretty he reasons. His cell phone buzzes and sees a text coming through. It's from his roommate, telling him of his awful night. After one too many drinks and a surreal encounter with his ex, he's on his way home and asks his roomie to prepare some coffee and himself for a postmortem.
We see all four in their various situations. One making coffee and rationalizing, one sitting absentmindedly on a couch in a sea of random people and drinks awaiting his salvation, one in a cab ride home, fighting off tears of frustration and intoxication, and one stepping out of his apartment as he tries to redeem himself and be a hero. Somewhere, by an open window, we hear the radio playing a song. An elegy to all their unrequited love.
"Some people live their dreams
Some people close their eyes
Some people's destiny
Passes by
There are no guarantees
There are no alibis
That's how our love must be
Don't ask why
It takes some time
God knows how long
I know that I can forget you
As soon as my heart stops breaking
Anticipating
As soon as forever is through
I'll be over you"
Warning: Adult content
"The way I'm loving you
Oh, what can I do
Insatiable, for you
My love for you insatiable"
Just when both were bout to reach the promise land of explosive ecstasy, his phone rings. He would've been able to ignore it had his ring tone not been set to play "Highway to Hell", and seeing that to the Catholic church what he was doing would constitute a one way ticket to such a place he was knocked off cloud nine. He grabs his cell phone with his free hand and searched for the ignore button . By the time he looks back at the computer all he sees is a hand waving goodbye. Before he could type in a question or a plea, his guest was already gone, along with his hard-on. There's much to be said about not "finishing", and most if it came out in curses. His phone beeps and alerts him of a voice mail. He listens to it with about as much enthusiasm as one would have anticipating a root canal. Under the sounds of thumping music he could hear his friend asking him to come to the second floor of the club and rescue him from his predicament. Hanging around the guy he's desperately in to yet sees him as nothing more than just another infatuated friend. Our fourth can hear the frustration and sadness in his voice. It's the second time he'd had to hear it. The first time was earlier this evening at the jazz club. Maybe never knowing his mystery man is a form of penance for all of this guilt. Having worn the shoes of one that victimizes, he turns a new leaf and decides to play for the other team and makes haste to save his friend.
In another part of town, we find our first person shutting down his computer after a round of guilty pleasure on the net. He's managed to keep himself unknown to his cyber pal, fearing that to reveal himself would only subject him to either ridicule, or speculations of obsessive behavior. Maybe he is obsessed, tragic as that may sound he will openly admit to that. And what he's doing may perhaps be shady, but he will rob this guy of stolen affections, even if it is through deception. Love's never always pretty he reasons. His cell phone buzzes and sees a text coming through. It's from his roommate, telling him of his awful night. After one too many drinks and a surreal encounter with his ex, he's on his way home and asks his roomie to prepare some coffee and himself for a postmortem.
We see all four in their various situations. One making coffee and rationalizing, one sitting absentmindedly on a couch in a sea of random people and drinks awaiting his salvation, one in a cab ride home, fighting off tears of frustration and intoxication, and one stepping out of his apartment as he tries to redeem himself and be a hero. Somewhere, by an open window, we hear the radio playing a song. An elegy to all their unrequited love.
"Some people live their dreams
Some people close their eyes
Some people's destiny
Passes by
There are no guarantees
There are no alibis
That's how our love must be
Don't ask why
It takes some time
God knows how long
I know that I can forget you
As soon as my heart stops breaking
Anticipating
As soon as forever is through
I'll be over you"
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