Something To Remember (Christopher)

When I got together with my first boyfriend, it was all for the wrong reasons. I wanted to prove to my friends that I was capable of being in a loving relationship where I would be a stellar boyfriend. Indeed it started out that way.

He was well to do and was extremely generous, to the point of being too flashy. We both wanted to be in a relationship, but I think we both had different ideas of how to manage it. He thought he had to keep showing grand gestures and buy everything I remotely fancy in order to keep me, and I thought that I could learn to love him with my determined heart.

I knew from our first week of being together that we weren't a good fit, but I dragged it on because I thought "I'm just not used to being in a relationship, I should give it a while longer. Most couples start out this way." It was a mistake. As much as I remind him that I'm fully capable of taking care of myself, he spoiled me. I didn't stop him. Why? Because if I were in the capacity to spoil someone then I would too. You don't throw gifts back at someone who's trying to make you happy. I quickly found out how immature he was as well, and how if he didn't get his way he would throw tantrums like a 2 year old. I was no better. I was always looking for ways to get away from him, if not just to hang out with my friends for a while without him being suspicious of my actions or getting into a debate filled with non-sense.

He accused me on several occasions of being unfaithful. During those arguments I often thought to myself he's gone bananas. The truth was that he cheated on me on several occasions and he was reflecting his actions on me to pass the guilt. He was obsessed with the idea, and he suffocated our relationship with his constant hovering and spying. I tried every way possible to make sure that he knew that he was the only man in my life. I showed it both in action and in words but it didn't stop him from obsessing about the worst scenario.

I ended up cheating on him. I know you hear it all the time when people are pushed into doing it, or finding someone you're more into, perhaps it was a little of both. An opportunity presented itself during a trip home for me to meet an old flame whom I knew I was still head over heels for on some level. It was hard not to fall because of the strangle hold my relationship had me on...and because I know that I didn't love my boyfriend any more. Cause how could you when you find yourself with someone else...loving someone else...sleeping with someone else. I'm not particularly proud of what I did...but I can tell you that I don't regret it. I'm not defending my actions nor am I saying it was right...but I make no apologies for it.

When I returned from my trip, my boyfriend and I ended things after a fantastic fight in which he argued that it was my responsibility to keep him satisfied in the sack. You can basically work out in your own heads how well that went...did I mention this was at 2 am on a work day? The break up was amicable at first...then he plagued my life with lies he had spread about me. How supposedly I was gold digger and what have you. With his lack of maturity I figured this would happen...but I didn't think of him stupid to try and sell these lies to my own friends.

You can't make yourself love someone...and you definitely can't buy my love.